The Faults in Our Lives
by beacuz
Summary: "Cancer didn't kill her, it only made her stronger" *** After losing Augustus, both Hazel and Isaac are devastated. This tragedy bonds them together and they become strong... and maybe even fall in love. But when all timing fails to succeed, terrible faults ruin lives. Mysteries, infinities and surprises are formed on the adventure of Hazel's life, making the impossible, possible.
1. The Fault in Our Minds

I closed my eyes. Placebo effect. If I told myself that I was dead, then I would die, right?

Life was a placebo effect. If you told yourself that it was a beautiful thing with rainbows and flowers, then it became a playground, a firework display, a Hectic Glow concert. But I was out of fairy dust to sprinkle over the world. In reality, it was a gray desert where everybody was obsessed with work and nobody gave a shit about your feelings.

And it felt like getting slapped in the face by the entire universe. It felt like all the stars in the sky stopped twinkling and came down on me as an attempt to wake me up. While the world was scarring me, I was sleeping with my eyes wide open.

That's when I realized that I was barely awake to face the many faults in my life.

Lying on the warm grass, I stared into the eyes of the white illuminations that contrasted from the colour of the night. I kept my arms crossed over my chest, holding Augustus' note after reading it again. Even though I didn't want them to, tears itched at my eyes and gradually flowed over my face. There were more and more with each thought.

A world without Augustus Waters was like a summer night without the stars; you'd rather not have it, but it was livable. Not likable, but livable. I would have to live with the occasional excruciating pain of my crappy lungs, and the absence of Augustus. Something, I never thought I would be able to do.

Every few minutes, something silly would remind me of him and an image of his lovely crooked smile would pop up in my head. Then all the thoughts would come back, leaving me worse than before.

After crying, I was exhausted, my lungs hurt, and I felt dry, like all of my water has been drained out of me, which is ironic considering the fact that my lungs frequently filled with fluid. I was almost out of breath, even though I had my nubs secured. I probably looked like a mess, with my hair all ruffled and my face flushed, dense and puffy. But I imagined Augustus telling me I was beautiful anyways, and me smacking him on the shoulder. Even with all the 844 220 people living in Indianapolis, I must've be the only one who cared that much. My thought changed a moment later.

"Hazel," my mother called. "A friend's here to see you."

I sat up, turned towards the backyard door, and saw Isaac stumbling in with his walking stick, Mom guiding him.

"Oh, um, walk straight... and... sit." I said, helping to guide Isaac.

He sat down next to me, pushing his cane together to make it smaller. Once settled, he jittered his leg a little bit, making him appear worried.

"Isaac..." I said before trailing off.

Before I could ask if everything was okay, he spoke.

"Hazel," he said a little anxiously while running a hand through his short black hair.

"Yes?"

"I-I can't do this." he stuttered as he shook his head. "I hate having no one to talk to for anything, I hate having no guy to play video games with, and I hate this cruel world without Gus."

"It's okay," I said not knowing what else to say. After receiving no response, I desperately tried again. "It'll get better, I promise."

"I'm blind, not deaf." he snapped suddenly, much louder than he'd been talking to me before. "Don't you dare promise anything, Hazel."

"Look, you have me. I know I'm not as great as Gus, but I'm all you get for now." I said.

Isaac remained silent for a while before absent-mindedly saying, "Thanks."

Honestly, I felt bad for him. First, he had Monica leave him, then, he turned blind for God sakes, and finally, his best friend died. What a life.

When I looked over at Isaac, he was oddly solemn and probably lost in thought. I knew he could get pretty emotional, considering the fact that he'd almost destroyed Gus's basement the night he threw a tantrum over Monica. Behind his solid black glasses, I could never know what he was thinking.

"Hey," I said. He turned his head to face me and I hugged him, offering him some sort of comfort. Little did he know, he was giving me comfort too. Over his shoulder, I could hear him sniffling quietly. Out of nowhere, I felt the urge to cry once more, not being able to hold it in, and buried my face into Isaac's shoulder.

"Hey, Hazel?" he asked gently pushing off of me. "Do you think we can go see Gus' grave?"

"Sure. I'll drive."

The cemetery was eerie and quiet at night, so we felt that we needed to whisper, as if to not disturb the dead.

"Which one is his? I can't read in this lighting." Isaac asked sarcastically.

I noticed the bunch of flowers that were sprawled across his tombstone, and walked towards it, dragging my oxygen tank behind me.

I didn't really know what to do at someone's grave. Well, it was Isaac's idea to come.

"How are you holding up?" I asked.

His lips curled up into a smirk and he said, "Better than when Monica left me."

"Oh, that was terrible. Were you aware that you were acting completely idiotic?"

"I think so. I don't know. It was all a blur." he replied. "Oh, and could you give me a ride to support group tomorrow? My mom's busy."

"Yeah, sure."

"Thanks."

Silence.

"I think I should drop you home now. It's getting late." I said.

"Alright." he said. "Thanks again for everything, Hazel-Grace."

I giggle a little before rolling my eyes and saying, "Just Hazel."

In my car, I tried to engage Isaac in some conversation to get his mind off of things.

"Wait, so, he was in your car?" he asked with amusement.

"Yes! Peter Van Houten just popped out of nowhere and started talking to me." I scoffed and continued. "Like I would let him talk to me after what happened in Amsterdam. God, he was such a jerk."

Isaac laughed and I joined in. His laugh was contagious, and my anger towards Peter Van Houten disappeared.

"And then," I said while laughing. "He takes another swig of his drink, after announcing that he'd _changed_."

"Wow."

"Speaking of Peter Van Houten, you definitely have to read his book called An Imperial Affliction, which is my favourite book."

Isaac turned to face me for a long time with a blank facial expression until I realized that he was blind, and he couldn't read.

"Oh my god. I-I'm sorry. I totally forgot,"

"No, it's okay. I understand that people just can't help making fun of blind people. It just comes naturally. I get it." he said. I realized that Isaac was pretty sensitive. He turned away from me and lowered his head.

"I wasn't trying to make fun of you. I honestly forgot."

"Could you just... focus on finding my house, please?" He seemed a little heartbroken, but I didn't know what to do. I was never good at making people feel better. It was usually other people who would try to make me feel better. So the rest of the way to Isaac's house, we drove in deafening silence.


	2. The Fault in Our Lungs

There was dust on the doorbell, which made it hard to press down properly. Once pressed, it didn't make any sound, and I stood there, wondering if Isaac could he could hear me or not. He suddenly opened the door, stepped out onto the porch, and extended his walking stick.

"Hi Isaac. I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt last night."

"Oh, it's okay. I'm fine." He seemed to have forgotten about yesterday, so I went with it.

"Why's your doorbell all messed up?" I asked.

"Well, we don't get that many visitors, and I don't really leave the house much, because of these." He paused to point at his eyes. "So the bell sort of just doesn't work anymore, but it's fun to see people try to press it." he said.

"I could use one of those." I said.

"Are you ready for support group?" Isaac asked.

"I hate it. It's boring and, just plain horrible." I replied. "My mom makes me go."

"So does mine."

Even though Isaac and I were standing on the leveled porch, he was still a little taller than me, and I practically had to look up to talk to him. He always dressed in these depressing dark colours, like black, blue, and brown occasionally, but I didn't hate it. That day, he was wearing a navy blue shirt and black pants. Plain? Yes. Repulsive? Definitely not.

I realized that I was staring at him, then suddenly looked away. It occurred to me that he was blind, and couldn't tell I was staring.

"With the shittiness of my eyes, I know you were staring at me." he said with a grin. "Wow. The doctors were right. My other senses _are_ improving!"

I laughed and grabbed my oxygen tank. "Come on, we're going to be late." I said.

We got out of the car, laughing at some joke that Isaac had made during the ride. Our laughing settled and I couldn't even remember what we were laughing about. Compared to the night before, I felt so much better. Isaac and I were becoming the unlikeliest of friends.

We walked out of the parking lot and towards the church. I remembered Monica and Isaac making love passionately in front of Monica's bright green car. He deserved better.

I let Isaac walk in front of me so I could guide him in, but looking past him, I saw a sign that read 'Out of Service' taped on the elevator, and a dreaded flight of stairs going down. I remembered the stairs at Anne Frank house, where I could barely breathe.

"Shit." I whispered under my breath.

"What?" Isaac asked as he stopped suddenly.

"Stairs." I said.

"Don't worry, I'll carry you."

"And the oxygen tank? Yeah, I don't think so."

I stared at the stairs like it was Peter Van Houten drinking in my car.

"I can do it." I said, barely believing myself.

"You sure? We can just ditch if you want."

"No. My mom says I have to go, and I probably should."

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, preparing to conquer the stairs.

_I can do this I can do this I can do this…_

The words chanted in my head until I had enough power to start walking down the stairs. I dragged my oxygen tank down with me, which thumped with every step I took. About 15 steps down, I felt squeezing in my chest and it was difficult to pump air out of my mouth; almost nothing came out and I began to panic. I sucked and released air harder to take a couple more steps.

"Hazel, are you okay?" Isaac asked from behind.

I replied with loud wheezing and some stumbling.

"Hazel?" he asked louder.

The stairs blurred and I felt exhausted. I heard a muffled voice behind me, and I couldn't quite make out the words. Suddenly, everything faded.

My eyes started opening and I saw a familiar figure in front of my face. I could tell the figure was a male with brown hair. I smiled at the sight of him.

"Augustus?"

Filled with joy, I sat up and pressed my lips to his while running my hands through his hair. He kissed back too, with even more passion than I had given him. After five solid seconds, he pulled back. His hair was black and his facial features were all different. When my vision had settled, I realized I'd made a huge mistake.

"It's Isaac." he said.

I blushed and bit my lip, as if it would make things better.

"Oh my god." I said, breathing in the awkwardness in the air.

"Uh… sorry…" I said, still completely shocked.

"Well, it wasn't horrible. I actually enjoyed myself." he said.

His last remark didn't sink in much because I was still processing what I'd just done. Our friendship would be awkward forever. Looking around, I noticed I was in a hospital room, and I remembered that I'd fainted.

"Sorry…" That was all I managed to get out.

"It was fun while it lasted."

I shoved Isaac's chest and he barely moved.

"Let's just pretend that whole fiasco never happened." I suggested.

"You can pretend…"

"You're an idiot, you know." I said, half joking.

"By the way, your parents are waiting outside, talking to my mom."

"Oh. Let's get out of here."

He offered me his hand, but I got up myself, turning down any thoughts he had about us being in love.

When we were walking towards our parents, I said, "Thanks for somehow getting me to the hospital."

"Anytime." he said. I glanced down at his lips, remembering the accident which maybe wasn't so unfortunate after all.

"See you." I said.

"Bye, Hazel." he said.


	3. The Fault in Our Eyes

The next day was foggy, even though it was still summer. I sat on the window seat of my room and reading An Imperial Affliction for the billionth time. Usually when I read it, I would feel excited and engaged. But not that day. All I could think about was Peter Van Houten and Amsterdam and my beloved Augustus. But mourning over him would never make me feel better. I hated to think it, but I had to move on.

I grabbed my car keys to drive to the one person who could make my pain go away (at least temporarily). The one person who could make me smile and laugh when I was crying inside. The one person who cared as much – or even more – about Gus; Isaac.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Mom watching America's Next Top Model, our favourite show. I stopped suddenly and she turned to look at me.

"Hey! Our show's on!" Mom exclaimed.

As much as I wanted to watch, I felt the need to see Isaac.

"Maybe another time." I said.

"Where're you going?" Dad said from the other side of the living room.

Not wanting to be constantly questioned, I quickly walked down the stairs.

"To see a friend." I said, right before leaving and shutting the door behind me, stronger than I'd intended to.

My parents never wanted me out of the house anymore. It was like they were afraid that I would break some boy's heart by my cancer getting stronger. Or like the outside world would eat me.

I was about to press the doorbell, but I paused and realized that it didn't work, and knocked instead. Something inside of me was eager to see Isaac's face again.

A brief moment after knocking, Isaac pulled the door open and smiled his usual full teeth smile. He flipped his hair and leaned on the door frame, crossing his arms.

"Hi," I said, forgetting why I came.

"Hi," he said back.

"It's Hazel."

"I know."

"How are you?"

"Blind."

"I can see that.

"You amuse me with your questions."

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

He stepped back and let me come in before closing the door and walking next to me. His house was plain with barely any furniture. I assumed it was because he was blind, and his parents didn't want him bumping into anything by accident.

"We can go to my room." he said. He must've noticed something in my face, because after that he said, "Don't worry, it's on the main floor."

"Oh, good." I said. While walking to his room, a strange sense of awkwardness filled the air again.

"Good." he said, smirking again.

"Good." I repeated, louder than he'd said it.

He stopped suddenly and walked into a large room with a wide screen TV on the wall, a bed on the other side of it, and some other little items, here and there. We walked directly to his bed and sat down. I did the same.

"Wow, this is…" I started, then stopped, not wanting to insult him by saying how nice the room was.

"Is what?" he questioned.

"Is… fun." I replied hesitantly.

"Oh, Hazel." he said as he laughed to himself.

"Hey, do you want to play a video game?" he asked.

"I actually had another idea."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, don't get your hopes up. I was thinking that maybe I could read some of 'An Imperial Affliction' to you. Like, maybe from your computer." I said.

"Fine with me."

I got up and went to his computer. It was old and dusty, much like every other electronic in his house, well expect for his blind people gaming consoles. It took me a while to find online, so meanwhile, I talked to Isaac.

"Isaac?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"I have a bunch of questions I've been meaning to ask you about being blind. Please, don't take them the wrong way, I'm just so curious."

"It's fine. Ask away!" he exclaimed from the bed.

The internet took ages to load.

"Okay. Firstly, do blind people blink?"

"Good question. We do. Blinking comes naturally as it does for you. It just feels a little bit weird."

"Interesting."

Finally, Google, as his home page, decided to pop up. I typed in 'An Imperial Affliction'.

"Isaac, do blind people dream?"

He paused before continuing.

"Yeah. I dream about so much. Maybe even more than the average person." He laughed to himself. "Back when I had eyes, I would lie down on the grass and watch the stars until I fell asleep right there, and dreamed about them."

"Me too." I turned away from the computer and looked at Isaac, who was smiling back at me.

Turning back, I noticed that the search engine had restarted and his computer had shut down.

"No!" I yelled.

"What now?" Isaac asked, nearly falling of the bed.

"Your computer sucks!"

"Yeah, I know." He laughed darkly. "Who's throwing a tantrum now?"

"Next time I see you, I'm bringing the actual book."

"You better." he said. "Can we play blind people video games now?"

We were interrupted by loud knocking on his bedroom door.

"Come in!" Isaac called.

The door opened and a teenage girl stood in the doorway, playing with her hair.

"Isaac, it's me." she said, her voice sounding thin with a hint of something I couldn't detect.

When I looked over at Isaac, he seemed to have known who it was right away.

"Monica?"


	4. The Fault in Our Hearts

Monica had some nerve to just show up at Isaac's door as if everything was alright.

She looked at him with longing in her eyes. It seemed so fake, I was sick just looking at her. She'd once ruined Isaac's life by leaving him when he most needed her. How could someone do such a thing then come back as if nothing ever happened?

I glared at her from the computer chair.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Isaac. I was stupid for leaving you." she said. I looked at Isaac to see if he was believing all this, but his expression was blank. It at least seemed like it with his face dominating glasses on.

She stepped forward seductively, and I felt like I was really going to throw up. She finally sat on the edge of his bed about inches away from him. I hated to be there, helplessly watching it all.

"I missed you. Your hair, your laugh, your smile…" she trailed off, slowly touching his arm.

I attempted to loudly clear my throat, but it came out as a meek cough, and she continued.

_Stupid lungs,_ I thought.

"Love me," she said, right before kissing him for longer than enough. The weird thing was that Isaac was kissing back.

I turned away before I literally puked all over the floor. But I could still hear their passionate sound effects.

"Always," she said.

I got up and out the room as fast as I could. Confusion and annoyance surged through my veins, provoking my nausea. On the other side of the door, I heard Isaac mumbling, "Always," and then kissing her again.

When I was leaving the house, major heartbreak took over. We weren't dating or anything, but I still felt so betrayed. He had once been so angry over Monica leaving him, and then suddenly he was kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

_Guys are stupid. _I thought to myself as I got into my car.

I sat there for a while, catching my breath, then I realized that I had forgotten my keys in Isaac's room. I didn't want to go back, but there was no other way to get home.

I walked out of the car, into the house (which was unlocked), and to Isaac's door. The walk out and back in had been exhausting but nothing I couldn't handle.

I yanked open the door, only to have Monica walk right out, crying.

Isaac was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head turned away from me.

"What happened?" I asked as I sat down next to him.

He remained still, not talking, like I wasn't there.

"Well?" I questioned.

"All she did was use me. We never really had anything in common." He scoffed. "And I thought we were in love."

"So why was she crying?"

"I realized how stupid I was being, accepting her apology, then I pushed her off and told her to get the hell out. It was intense, but I think it was the right thing to do."

"It probably was. I'm sorry." I said.

He sighed and started muttering what sounded like violent stuff to himself.

"Calm down. Don't get all rage on me again." I joked.

That got him smiling.

"Someday, you'll find a girl who will love you for who you are." I said.

"Thanks, Hazel."

"It's okay. We'll get through this." I said, for once knowing what could make someone feel better. "We'll go over to my place so I can grab 'An Imperial Affliction,"

"You're never going to leave me alone until you read that to me, right?"

"Never."

"Your life is so boring, Hazel-Grace. All you do is read." he said. "I'll let you read 'An Imperial Affliction' to me if we do it where I want to."

"And where is that?"

"You'll see. It'll be a surprise." he said.

"And how are you even going to direct me there if you can't see?"

Isaac wasn't insulted. In fact, all this talk about being blind didn't bother him at all anymore.

"I'll find a way. Let's go get your book."

In Isaac's house, we had to pass through the living room to go outside. His Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch. They'd said hello, but didn't make much of an effort to question us, stop us from going outside, or protect us from the 'outside monsters' as my father would imply. Something about that made me like them even more.

On the ride to my house, Isaac still wouldn't tell me what his surprise destination was, no matter how much I pressed him. He tried to change the subject and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. I eventually realized he was steering me away from my main focus, and grilled him again.

Later, I gave up and we started talking about our futures. When I asked him what he wanted to be, he said that he had once wanted to be a graphic designer, but his dreams had been crushed, due to his eyes, so he didn't know what to do anymore. I suggested he became an actor because of his creative facial expressions, and he laughed it off.

When he asked me, I told him I wanted to be a million things, and couldn't decide. He suggested I became a pediatrician to help young cancer kids deal with their issues. I waved it off, but actually considered it.

If I could help kids like me feel normal, I would be like a super hero. Except no super heroes have cancer.

After entering the house, I sensed that Mom and Dad were waiting for me. Like actually longing for my arrival.

"Hazel!" Mom exclaimed right when I entered with Isaac.

"Oh, who's this?" Dad asked.

Bothered by their constant demand to know everything about my life, I was slow to answer.

"This is Isaac from support group." I said.

Dad seemed more bothered than I did.

"Hazel, can I speak to you privately?" he asked.

I followed him into the kitchen, not wanting to leave Isaac behind. What was with Dad and his nonsense no happiness rules?

I sat on the counter and crossed my arms, communicating how what he was about to say was completely unnecessary.

"First, you practically tell Augustus to stay away from me, and then you don't even let me out of the house, and now..." I rant about the meaninglessness of the confrontation.

"Hazel, you have to consider the boy's feelings. I mean, if you 'blow up', he'll be devastated, like you were with Augustus."

"But it's my life. And… and I think I _really_ like him." I said, maybe a little louder than intended.

"Please, Hazel, just let it be." he said, somehow tired of the conversation already.

"Let it be?" I asked. "Why don't you just let us be? Let me die in his arms or whatever. He'll get over it."

After realizing I'd practically yelled at him, he was a little bit bewildered. He didn't say anything after that, so I left the room, feeling guilty.

When I was out of the kitchen, the only person left was Mom. Isaac was gone.

"Did you kick him out or something?" I asked Mom.

All my parents ever wanted was for me to try to be a normal teenager and have friends. Why were they pushing Isaac away?

I've once loved Augustus, who had died. I was willing to love again, and my parents wouldn't even give me the chance. Being denied of love was like being confined, and not having the chance to see the light. Being diagnosed with cancer was a like an eternal darkness; sad and alone. The only one who once understood had died.

Though, I believed that Isaac understood. He gave me hope and the power to believe in my life again. How could my parents take that away from me?

I could never tell them that. They would never understand. They never had cancer before. They don't feel what I do.

Life was slowly getting messed up. I felt as if I had no place, no aspiration.

I stopped thinking pessimistically before the negative thoughts overtook my mind. All I wanted to do was to talk to Isaac – someone who really understood.

I went up the stairs and to my room as fast as I could while dragging my oxygen tank. After catching my breath, I dialed Isaac's number, feeling a sense of relief as I punched in the digits and listened to the ringing.


	5. The Fault in Our Fingers

"Hello?"

"Isaac!" I exclaimed overly excited. "Wow that came out too intense."

I heard a static laugh through the phone.

"I wasn't trying to startle you or anything… I just… Wow. I don't know." I said. "Whenever you're around, I feel like I'm floating in a bubble of happiness – that sounded so cheesy – and whenever you're not around, I'm yearning to see your face again. And when I do see it, I'm at ease."

I took a deep breath to regroup my thoughts.

"Oh my god. Why am I telling you this? I thought I was thinking it, not saying it aloud."

He laughed again. I shook my head and felt bad, realizing what I really had to say to him.

"Sorry." I said.

"What?"

"Sorry for ruining your life, for leaving you forever alone, for stomping on your heart and for destroying your space."

"Hazel?"

"Like I've told Gus before, 'I am a grenade. I'm going to explode and obliterate everything in my way and… and… I don't want to hurt you.'"

My eyes water but I struggle to keep from crying.

"Cancer is this concrete barrier that's keeping us apart, and no matter how hard you try to break it down, I have to keep it up, because if I let you onto my side, the wall can collapse and hurt us."

I gave up and tears rolled down my face. I had to take off my tubes for a second to wipe my face with the blankets of my bed.

"Hazel-Grace, stop it with the depressing metaphors." he said. "Look, I'm not a baby. Even if we both die, don't you think we should enjoy our lives while they last, and not isolate ourselves?"

I sniffed a little before answering.

"Yeah."

"Our stories have more pages to them. Why stop writing now?"

Deep down, Isaac was wise and full of life advice that I'd never known of. That one in particular actually made me feel better. I'd been pretty depressed for most of my life, but Isaac had helped feed that one cell of optimism amongst my well-fed cancer cells. I realized that I loved that about him.

"I agree. It's up to us to write our own stories. I want to make the rest of mine happy."

"Me too."

I felt his smile through the phone and instantly felt way better. It was like magic.

"Hey, when did my mom kick you out?"

"Like right after you left."

"So, you didn't hear anything, right?"

"Nope."

I didn't want him to hear the part where I said that I sort of loved him. A big part of me didn't want him to know. It was stupid, but I was having a hard time letting go of Augustus. But maybe, he wanted me to let go?

"By the way, we were supposed to read 'An Imperial Affliction'…"

"I have an idea. I can read it to you through the phone."

"Sure. But not the whole book."

"A chapter? A page?"

"No…"

"How short?"

"I was thinking maybe a sentence…"

"What?" I yelled so loudly, my nubs shifted.

"It'll be a challenge. Pick the best sentence, and explain why it's the best one."

"God, you're weird. Has anyone ever told you that?"

I flipped through my favourite book, smiling with my whole face. My tears and sadness were wiped away like sand in the wind. He had a way of making me feel like I didn't have any problems in life; like I didn't have cancer anymore. He was like my medicine, literally.

"Okay, you know what? I am going to find that one sentence. My _favourite _sentence in my _favourite_ book… I don't even know if that's possible…" I said, trailing off to focus on the words.

"Okay… I think I've got a half of a sentence…"

"A half? I let you tell me a sentence and you pick half?"

"It's really significant, just hold on… here it is: '…is a side effect of dying'"

"I don't understand."

"Let me explain. You know how everyone is all like, 'Sleepiness is a side effect of cancer'? Well, it's actually a side effect of dying. They're all side effects of dying because cancer _is_ dying, eventually." I said.

The line was quiet for a minute and I thought he didn't understand.

"Hello?" I asked.

"I need to show you how to be less depressing."

"What?"

"Everything is always about cancer and death. Remember, you're not dead yet!" he said.

"But I'm not sad."

"Don't lie to yourself. Make the most of your life."

Isaac inspired me to think more optimistically. I liked that.

I sat near the window of my room, admiring the view of my street; it was always so… happy. All of the plants and trees were this vibrant shade of green that practically lit up the whole street. Sometimes, I would be jealous of the little kids running around freely, but that moment then, I was glad to be me. Those little kids didn't have what I had; they didn't have Isaac in their lives.

I looked at the phone in my hand then hugged it. It was probably the weirdest thing I've ever done, but it felt right.

"Calm down before you break the phone!" said a voice from inside my arms.

Startled, I jumped up and dropped it.

"Isaac?"

"I never left."

"Where are you?"

"On the floor. You just dropped me."

Still in a mild state of shock, I giggled as I looked out the window and saw Isaac standing on the lawn, laughing too.

"I don't give up that easily!" he yelled from below.

My laugh consisted of uncontrollable bubbly hiccups of joy that sounded horrendous. But Isaac once told me it was beautiful.

"Let me take you somewhere!" he shouted.

I decided to let go and follow him. I didn't want to be one of those sneaky bad girls in books that went off with those guys. No. That was not Hazel-Grace Lancaster.

Lugging my oxygen tank along with me, I stumbled down the stairs and stopped suddenly so Mom and Dad could know I was leaving. They both came out, appearing annoyed.

Looking straight at the door, I mentally announced something that Isaac had been implying on the phone: Life is too short to deprive myself of pure happiness.

I walked straight out the door and slammed it behind me, feeling no regrets.

The sky swallowed me in a swirly light blue-ish-purple-ish embrace. It was about the moment right before the sunset; the moment that always took my breath away.

Isaac was already in the passenger seat as I walked towards it. Getting in, I realized that I would have to ask the question I had asked him before.

"So, how are you going to direct me if you can't see?"

"I'm pretty good with direction. I think I can just do it verbally." he said.

I scoffed and raised my eye brows at him.

"You better not mess up." I said before starting up the car and driving.

"Okay, so I'm imagining that you're going down a straight street. I believe your street is Hinterton Cove, and… prepare to turn right."

_Correct so far_, I thought as I turned.

"You sound like a GPS." I said.

Ignoring my comment, he continued.

"So, you are probably passing that big park. And I'm pretty sure you… keep going straight here. Oh, no, no! You have to turn left here."

My hands were shaking the wheel, and made it harder to drive properly. Well, my hands and Isaac's crappy instructions.

"I've never had a blind person direct me before." I said.

His directions were sudden and I had this lingering thought that I was going to crash into something.

"It's probably only like… another three minutes." he announced.

After a whirlwind of messed up driving directions, abrupt turns and angry honks, we made it to a music school around the same neighborhood as the church, where support group was held.

"Is this the place? A music school?" I asked.

He remained seated for a moment with an innocent smile. The place was big with lights that cut through the milky sky.

"This," - he paused for dramatic effect - "is where dreams come true."

He got out of the car and walked towards the school, as if he'd known the path and everything. I followed him, not knowing what to expect.

As we got closer, a thick and lovely tune filled my mind; music. Something I could always turn to when books didn't work out.

We opened the double doors and I was greeted with louder music, shiny, beige floor tiles, and a crystal chandelier that made the room glow.

"Follow me," Isaac said and he confidently turned left, like he wasn't blind at all.

I entered a room like the entry way, but this one was filled with black, brown, and white grand pianos.

Then all the puzzle pieces clicked together.

"I got it – you used to play piano and now you still do, even though you're blind." I guessed.

"Good." he said as he stopped at a large white piano. "But you left out the part of me teaching you."

At that moment, a shivery sensation rose in my stomach and caught in my chest. I wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to fill me with excitement.

I was grateful that he wanted to teach me. With the whole cancer thing, I never really had the time or effort to engage myself in musical activity. I sang in the shower here and there, but it was always so off key. I only listened to music.

"Good luck trying to teach me." I mumbled.

Sitting down next to him on the small piano chair, I was claustrophobic. The chair was less than two butts wide and I struggled to sit on the edge and not fall off. Every time I started to fall and scooched back into the middle of the chair my breathing would become harder – it had nothing to do with my lung dysfunction. It was Isaac's presence that aroused me.

Even though he was blind, he was amazing. His hands ran over the keys and a light classical song eased the tension.

"Do you expect me to play that or something?" I asked, clearly stunned.

He stopped playing to answer me.

"Oh, sorry. I got carried away there. And no. Let's start small." he said.

"This is middle C." he announced and he pointed to a key, probably in the middle of the piano. "Play it."

I pressed down on it, loving the way the sound vibrated at my command.

"This is D." he said, moving my hand to press the note to the right of the previous one.

More uncomfortable jitters heated up my insides when he held my hand.

"Why are there so many notes on this thing?" I asked.

"They repeat." he replied.

He explained the whole repeating pattern, followed by those small black things called sharps and flats.

About ten minutes after we started, I was able to play a very simple tune that consisted of the notes C, D, and E, in different orders.

Throughout the lesson, he'd put his warm hand over mine or under mine and I'd look over at his face, only to realize once again that we were inches apart. It made me nervous, but it was thrilling.

By the time I drove him back to his house, the sky was a midnight blue hue, but I was certain it wasn't midnight.

He stood in his doorway and I stood on the porch, a fair distance away so I wouldn't throw up on him by accident.

All in black, he almost blended in with the night sky. He waited as if he wanted to say something, but didn't. He just wore a mysterious closed-mouth smile – Isaac and his half facial expressions (considering the fact that his glasses covered half of his face).

"Hazel-Grace,"

"Yeah?" I asked excitedly. He finally had something to say. Something I'd hoped would take my breath away.

"You are good at many things… piano is not one of them." he said, laughing at his own joke as he walked into his house and closed the door.

Not at all what I was expecting, but I definitely loved his wild sense of humor. I loved how Isaac could make me feel like I was floating in a bubble and life was this lovely little thing. But then my bubble popped, and reality sank in.


	6. The Fault in Our Thoughts

It wasn't until that night that I remembered once again that the world was not a wish-granting factory. Nothing would ever be perfect in life and one would have to accept the faults in their life. Some would have more difficulties than others. That night, I collapsed under the weight of a million problems packed into one. But at first, the night started off okay.

After the night out with Isaac, my parents weren't disappointed in me or anything. They were starting to accept the fact that I wanted to live my life. It was an awkward conversation that left me almost speechless.

"I'm back." I had said.

"Were you with Isaac?"

I had frozen, not knowing how to answer without getting in trouble.

"Yes." I'd stated, trying to sound confident.

They'd paused for a moment before speaking again.

"Alright." My mom said with a small smile forming.

Unsure of what had happened I said goodnight and hobbled up the stairs with my oxygen tank.

Then it came again. No, not the cancer.

The sudden urge to see Isaac again. I hated that he lived neighborhoods away from me. How many houses was that?

It was then that I confirmed that I was definitely losing my mind. I hadn't been this crazy with Augustus.

My uncontrollable mind started wondering off into a billion different directions as I sat on my bed.

My relationship with Augustus had been a little more intellectual. But he also made me laugh. But Isaac was just extraordinary. Who was better?

I stopped myself in mid-thought before making a stupid mental decision I would probably regret.

No matter how hard I tried not to think about Isaac or Augustus, they had a way of always creeping up in my mind.

Looking out my window, I noticed that deep purple-ish shade I loved. Then the weirdest thing happened; I wondered if Isaac could see it too. Maybe we were both staring out the window at that beautiful, mauve, night sky.

Isaac was a really great friend. He was funny, caring, insightful and more. But are friends supposed to pop up in your mind every now and then? What about that unexplainable yearning feeling I get to see his face, to feel his presence, to hear his voice, to… touch him. Are those the feelings you should have for someone who is_ just a_ _friend_?

It all happened so fast and I couldn't detect my emotions. When Augustus died, I thought I could never be so attached to someone ever again. But sitting in my room, staring through the night, everything had seemed to change.

My heart pounded in my ears, and my stomach felt like it was floating somehow. The fluttering was somewhat uncomfortable, but I realized what I was feeling, and smiled. It was that beautiful and thrilling sensation of being in love… with a blind guy.

Others would've found it weird, but to me, it was _perfect_.

It would be our little forever beyond numbers.

That's when I started to think about Augustus again. Would he be jealous? Disappointed?

Or would he be encouraging and happy that I had attempted to move on?

Should I have cared?

An infinite string of unanswerable questions filed into my brain.

Taking a deep breath, I lay down in my bed to calm my thinking. Just when I settled my heart rate, the vibration of my phone startled me.

At that point, I was half asleep; it was almost midnight. My phone lay on top of my bedside table and it took so much effort to reach it. My fingertips grazed the edge before my whole hand fell.

But it continued to ring.

I finally got out of bed and grabbed the phone, only to let it slip right out of my hand after seeing the caller ID.

I inspected every detail to ensure that what I was seeing was real.

The almond hair.

The deep eyes.

The crooked smile.

Someone who had had a leg cancer.

Someone who was supposed to be experiencing an inevitable oblivion.

Someone I never thought I'd see again.

_Augustus Waters…_

And there he was, calling me.

My phone had landed face up and I stared at his face and the subtitle that read, _Gus_ as it vibrated.

If it really was him, what would he think about Isaac and me? I was planning on telling Isaac that I had feelings for him. But what if Gus still has feelings for me? And… I'm still in love with Gus.

But what if it wasn't him?

My heart screamed, _Answer!_

But my head yelled, _Don't!_

During my mental tug-of-war battle, the exhaustion kicked in. I tried to shake it off to focus on what I should do.

I wanted to turn around and tell the commanding voices to shut up, but I couldn't. They were trapped inside of me, echoing and ricocheting while getting louder.

I looked at every detail of the picture, as if it would help me determine if it was really him. But I would never find out until I picked up.

It took every inch of power to pick up the phone. What was I scared of?

I slid my damp finger over the phone symbol and brought Augustus (supposedly) to my ear.

I gulped before quietly asking, "Hello?"

**Sorry this one took so long! It took me forever to figure out how write this. Thanks for all your awesome support :0)**


	7. The Fault in Our Plans

Slow and even heavy breathing came through the phone.

Now that was just creepy.

"Hello?" I asked again, my voice coming out strained.

I received the same reply. I waited for about five more seconds before hanging up and letting my phone slip through my jittery hands again.

I finally decided that I was being abnormally paranoid and lay down in my bed to try to get some sleep.

Minutes past and I lay there wide awake, staring at the ceiling, tracing the intricate designs with my eyes. I looked at my bedside clock that read, 2:47 am.

Then my mind focused on that random call from "Augustus Waters".

The funny thing was that there was actually someone on the other end. And he called me! I was itching for adventure and there it was.

Finding Augustus.

But how was that even possible? He was dead? Buried, even. I saw it all! What could've happened?

Suddenly my mind was bursting with unexplainable possibilities. The whole idea of looking for him frightened me because I _knew_ it was impossible. But if I didn't take the opportunity, I would regret it all my life. So what choice did I have?

I wanted to find my love with Augustus again.

_But what about Isaac?_ A voice in my head asked.

Wouldn't he want to find his best friend?

That night, I decided that I would set out on a journey to reunite with my dead boyfriend, "Augustus Waters".

The next day was hotter than the previous days. It was one of those times where you could feel the heat waves attacking you as soon as you stepped outside. The type of weather that made it harder to breathe.

A couple minutes after getting up, my phone beeped. I hadn't received a text message since the Augustus times… which were apparently not over yet.

Walking over, I expected to see some creepy text message from Augustus, but I was taken by surprise to see one from my friend Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn: How are you? Haven't chatted in a while…

Kaitlyn! I haven't heard from her in a long time. I was so occupied with Augustus and my cancer that I had completely forgot about her. She was a great friend and I missed her. I started texting back.

Hazel: Other than my bloated lungs, I guess I could be better, thanks for asking.

I loved using that one.

Hazel: What have you been up to?

Kaitlyn: Well I've been doing tons of shopping and designing, you know, pursuing my dreams. You?

Hazel: After the funeral, I befriended Augustus' best friend named Isaac

I sent that much and then paused, wondering if I should tell her about the whole Augustus coming back to life thing. Before I could continue typing, she sent something else.

Kaitlyn: Ooh la la! Is he hot?

After reading that, I felt my stomach tighten and my air escape me. It was a feeling that was uncalled for.

How would I answer that? I decided to change the topic completely.

Hazel: Oh by the way, do you wanna hang out today?

Kaitlyn: Sure! Meet you at the mall at 12

With that, I placed my phone on my bedside table and started getting ready. I normally took my showers in the evenings, but I had completely forgotten the night before, so I ditched it. I change out of my pajamas and into a green t-shirt and jean shorts. I knew Kaitlyn would always dress fashionably, so I put on some golden studs to improve my outfit.

Once I was downstairs, I told Mom that I would be out with Kaitlyn for most of the afternoon and she encouraged it. I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"But you need to eat something first." Mom said.

I barely ate. I was rarely hungry and Mom had said I was getting skinny.

Every time I ate, I just felt like throwing it up again.

"Please. For me?" she asked.

Mom's constant demands for me to eat only made me want to eat even less. But I bit into some bread anyways.

Right after one bite, I felt a strange dizziness. It was the feeling I always got before puking. The bread seemed to be floating in my stomach and the feeling was unsettling. Something rose in my chest and rushed to the bathroom to throw it up.

It was becoming a lot more instant.

I looked over at Mom, only to see a slight sadness in her deep brown eyes.

"Sorry," I said uncomfortably.

I knew she felt my cancer getting worse. She just never said anything. She only gave me these sympathetic looks every time it became more evident. But there was nothing she could do.

Nothing I could do.

I mumbled something about going to see Kaitlyn and she gave me a small smile.

Soon, I was driving my car, grinning at that constant summer breeze that I could never get enough of.

My peaceful state of mind didn't last long when the whole Augustus thing came back to me. What if finding him was dangerous somehow? And did I really want to do it all by myself?

Then I decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. My mind lingered on the thought until I reached the mall.

I walked in and saw Kaitlyn instantly. She was always so much more fashionable then the rest. I saw her seated at one of the window seats at the food court and brought me and the oxygen tank over.

"Hazel, Darling!" Kaitlyn exclaimed.

I almost forgot about the British accent.

Kaitlyn was probably one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. Her dark brown hair was always wrapped into a bun, which brought out her features nicely.

"Hi," I said, my mind wondering about the Augustus situation.

I debated over if I should tell Kaitlyn or not. Would she try to help? Where would we even start?

Before I could say anymore, Kaitlyn spoke.

"So… this Isaac guy. You still didn't tell me if he was hot." she pressed, her eyes widening.

I laughed a little to disguise my inner emotions. She must've noticed me starting to avoid her gaze because she chimed in.

"You like him, don't you?"

That question stirred inside of me. I was truly in love with Gus. But Isaac…

"I-I don't know." I stuttered.

Then it occurred to me; Isaac could get back with Monica at any time. So it would make even more sense to find Gus. But it could've been a total waste of time!

"Are you alright?" Kaitlyn asked. She must've noticed some expression on my face.

I looked at her, not really paying attention. There was so much on my mind that made no sense and I couldn't handle it all on my own.

Something swelled up inside and I had no idea what. It felt like some combination of confusion, frustration, worry and… sadness. But I was over Augustus Waters! Or was I?

"Kaitlyn," It came out as I whispery breath.

I cleared my throat to gather up whatever I was feeling.

"This is going to sound crazy but…" I took a breath. "Augustus might be alive and I'm going to find him."

She stared blankly at me. I thought that I must've scared her or something.

"He's still alive?" she asked.

"I don't know… I think so. I got a call from him."

She sat there for a minute, as if trying to piece things together.

"Alright. I'm coming with you." she finally said.

Relief washed over me and I smiled. It pushed all those other emotions away.

"Thanks, Kaitlyn."

"What about Isaac?"

I stiffened at his name but I still wasn't sure what she was getting at.

"What _about_ Isaac?" "I asked.

I looked around the mall to make sure we weren't making some sort of scene or anything. Aside from the awkward glares people always gave me because of my tank and tubes, it was all normal. I turned back to Kaitlyn.

"Hazel, Isaac is your friend. Are you just going to leave him out on the adventure of your life?"

Yes.

"No..." I said.

It would've been weird telling Isaac. Of course he would want Gus back as a best friend. But it would be awkward since Isaac and I were just starting to hit it off (at least that's what I thought) and then I would tell him that I would be looking for my dead boyfriend…

"Good. Then we'll go there right after this." said Kaitlyn. "Loving the outfit by the way!"

"Yes! I put it on just for you." I replied.

Kaitlyn sighed.

"It's good having you in my life again. I've been going through some stuff too. But I didn't want to dump it on you, since you obviously have enough problems." she said.

"Tell me. I'm fine with it." I lied. I did have too many things to think about.

"Well, I just got out of a relationship with this guy named Alec – you know Alec – and yeah."

I didn't know Alec. Kaitlyn was always dating constantly; all the guys loved her. Her astonishing looks practically got her any guy she wanted. For me, it took a miracle…

"And now, I'm hurting." Kaitlyn said. I always loved Kaitlyn, but sometimes she didn't understand me the way I wanted her to.

She was wrong. She wasn't hurting. She didn't know what hurting was.

_I_ was the one who was hurting.

_I _was the one with the freakin cancer and the true boyfriend crisis.

I answered her with simple nods, not really listening.

Sometimes I felt like _no one_ had a clue what I was going through…

And that's why I was going to go through with my plan of finding Augustus.

**Hi people!**

**So just saying thanks for all of you who are reading! YAY!**

**And btw the story is like just starting. The plot will truly commence in the next chapter and the story will be on its way! Don't worry!There is plenty of awesomeness to come! It gets better! WOOP WOOP!**

**OK...I am going to stop now. TTYL**

**Beacuz**


	8. The Fault in Our Stomachs

Standing on Isaac's porch with Kaitlyn was a little nerve-racking. Wasn't that taking things too fast? I mean, how was I even going to find Gus? Wouldn't that be impossible?

I looked over at Kaitlyn, who seemed a little too excited. She was probably expecting some hunk to walk out of the door.

"He's blind, by the way." I said quietly.

It didn't seem to bother Kaitlyn at all, and for some reason, that bothered me.

He opened the door and stood for a second before saying anything.

"Hazel… and someone new..." he said.

"How did you know?" Kaitlyn asked.

"I use my other senses." he replied. "What's your name?"

"Kaitlyn."

He smiled, swaying on his feet.

"Nice accent. You must have tons of boyfriends…" he trailed off.

Kaitlyn's face was a light shade of pink. She was blushing more than ever. Her giggles made me feel more sick than I already was.

"So," I said, probably a little too loudly. "We have some important stuff to share with you. Can we come in?"

"Sure."

We followed Isaac into his living room with minimal furniture. The couches were plush-like and black. Isaac sat first, followed by Kaitlyn and then me. Out of all the living rooms I've seen, his was the plainest, and it was easy to know why.

How would I share the news to him? Before I could think anymore thoughts, Kaitlyn began, heading straight to the point.

"What would you do if I told you that Augustus wasn't dead?" she asked him.

His demeanor changed from cheerful and welcoming to the one that I could never detect. It appeared like a normal facial expression but how could one be calm with a question like that?

He opened his mouth as if to speak but then Kaitlyn spoke again.

"Because he might still be alive." she said.

I wasn't sure what to say so I just kept quiet and observed Isaac. He had his head down. If he had eyes, he would've been staring at one spot on his dark-wash jeans.

"And… Hazel and I are going to find out if he really is." she added. "Will you help us find him?"

He pushed his hair back with his fingers and began to shake his head.

"No." he said simply. Kaitlyn looked as surprised as I did.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave." he said, with no hint of emotion in his voice.

"What?" It suddenly slipped out of my mouth.

"You heard me."

"No explanation? Just, no?" I pressed. I was probably on bad terms with Isaac then, and it was all Kaitlyn's fault for suggesting we tell him about Gus.

"C'mon Hazel, we don't need him." said Kaitlyn.

She didn't need him, but in a strange way, I did. Isaac understood things than Kaitlyn ever did. We had this bond that was too strong to just cut short. My life without Isaac would be totally different. I wouldn't have had anyone to fill the hole I got when Gus died. If he hadn't come to my backyard that night, I might've committed suicide. He had been like an angel sent down from above. Maybe sent down from Augustus…to fill a purpose…

But walking out of his house that day, I wasn't so sure. He just didn't want to help find Gus. Maybe he knew something that Kaitlyn and I didn't?

I was too shocked to properly press for details, but I trusted Isaac to tell me.

In the car with Kaitlyn, my mind was in a billion places at once.

_What am I going to do about Augustus? What am I going to do about Isaac?_

It was only two questions that bugged me, but it seemed like numerous questions packed into each one; they each had tons of follow-up questions.

"Are you alright?" Kaitlyn asked while in the car together.

My mind was swarming harder than ever and I managed to sound out something that sounded like a yes.

"You know, you need to get your mind off of things. Let's go to Starbucks!" suggested Kaitlyn.

I wasn't a big eater or drinker, but I could tell that Kaitlyn was overly-excited and wasn't going to change her mind anytime soon.

That's my Kaitlyn; usually thinking of herself.

When we were seated there, the experience was more awkward than any of my other ones. Eyes lingered on me and my equipment for way too long. I tried to seem unfazed by it, but it was really bothering me. I attempted to focus on what I had ordered. Actually, Kaitlyn ordered it for me when I told her that I didn't care what drink it was.

After one sip of some cold whipped coffee mixture, I felt that immediate nausea again. This was faster than with Mom at breakfast. I groaned and managed to keep the puke down. This captured more unwanted attention. What was up with my nausea?

I chugged the rest of the drink, hoping it would help, and it did.

"Oh my, Hazel! I've never seen you digest so much in one go." Kaitlyn said. She wasn't even half way done her pink drink.

"Yeah, I don't know what's up with me."

She took a slow sip and the straw filled with colour.

"So," Kaitlyn started. "I thought we could visit Gus' house and search the room for his cell phone and maybe ask the family some questions."

I nodded and thought of Gus again. I couldn't help thinking about him and visualizing him. I truly missed him. I always would.

"Let's go." I said.

As soon as I got up, I felt an unsettling thump in my lower abdomen and had to sit back down.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." I told Kaitlyn.

"It's okay. Let's just stay here until your pain goes away." she said.

It was as if the pain was a punch that hurt temporarily, because it went away as soon as I sat down.

"It's gone." I announced.

We got up and walked out, Kaitlyn close behind me incase anything happened.

Right before we exited Starbucks, Kaitlyn stopped me.

"Hazel, I think we should continue the mission tomorrow." she said, her accent more evident all of a sudden. "You don't look so good."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow…"

"See you," Kaitlyn said as she walked out and away. I walked to my car and began to drive home.

"Hazel!" my dad called when I got home. He appeared suddenly and then hugged me.

I lightly pushed him off so he wouldn't squeeze me.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

Was everything alright? I was looking for my dead boyfriend, my current friend that was a boy probably hated me or something, I've been getting weird pains in my body, and my life was twirling into an awkward upside down position.

"Um…" I wanted to deal with the most important problem first; the one that consisted of random bursts of pain in my stomach and a strange appetite.

"Can we call Dr. Maria?" I asked as I watched my Dad's expression change to a worried one.

Dad rushed to the phone to dial and I thought of the worst possible thing that could be happening to me. But it couldn't have been happening to me! How was I supposed to handle it?

With a phone in hand, Dad paced around the living room, not knowing what to expect.

"Yes. This is Hazel's Dad. Hazel would like to speak to you."

With everything going on, I couldn't deal with this.

_Not now!_ I thought as I gnawed on my lip.

It was then that my heart was racing because I didn't know how I would cope with all the pressures.

Normal people would never be able to understand how hard this would be for me.

Before I knew it, I had the phone in my hand and Dr. Maria on the other end.

"Hazel? Hazel, is everything okay?"

"I…" I paused to blink as a tear rolled down. "I think I'm pregnant."

**Ooh! Suspense! What's gonna happen? Well I know what's gonna happen cuz I'm the yourself for emotions...And don't worry, Isaac comes back into this soon. And it's not all sadness. There is more humor to come.**

**beacuz**


	9. The Fault in Our Baby

I grasped the phone a little too tightly as uncontrollable sobs rattled my whole body. I had no idea where it came from. I even momentarily forgot that Dad was somewhere in the room. I wanted to be strong… for him. But I was confused, angry, sad, and very nauseous.

Oh yeah, and pregnant.

The thought scared me so much, it made me cry even more. There were so many problems with the situation. How could I take care of a baby when I could barely take care of myself? What would Isaac think? Was it even possible for someone with cancer to give birth? I didn't want to take on the responsibility. I wasn't ready!

Something rose inside of me and I needed to throw up. Liquid spilled out of my mouth and I didn't remember forcing it.

"Hello? Congratulations?"

Dr. Maria was still on the phone.

_Congratulations?_

I felt somewhat empty. Like my heart and happiness had been ripped out of my body. And my vocal chords seemed to be gone too.

"Hi," It almost a whisper.

"Okay, um, meet in my office tomorrow at 11 am."

With that, I hung up and placed the phone back in its home.

On the couch, I curled up into a ball and attempted to slow my breathing.

Mom came out of nowhere and sat beside me. Dad sat on the other side of me.

"It's okay. We'll get through this together." Mom said.

I hugged her and thought of how my life had changed in the last few weeks. I also wondered how my life would be in the next few weeks. And if I would have a life at all.

Later that night, Mom and I went out to buy one of those pregnancy test things. I didn't want to believe it, but I really was pregnant.

Mom drove me to Dr. Maria's office the next morning. I decided to text Kaitlyn on the way.

Hazel: We're going to Dr. Maria's office. Oh ya, and I'm pregnant.

Kaitlyn didn't respond for about a minute. She must've been in shock.

Kaitlyn: HOLY SHIT!

I imagined her yelling that in her British accent and laughed inside. But then I calmed down to tell her that this was not a good thing.

Hazel: This isn't a good thing. How am I going to take care of the baby if I can't even take care of myself? And can the baby even survive? I don't want to give birth! I don't want to create a child that will have to go through the same things as I do!

There were so many "what-if's" that all lead downhill.

Kaitlyn: R U leaning towards abortion?

I haven't really thought about it, but the idea made me sicker than I already was.

Hazel: No. I just don't know what to do

Kaitlyn: If I were you, I would let my friends and family help me raise my child and take care of me.

But I didn't want to just dump my problems on everyone. They would think that they could handle it, but could they?

Just then, Mom parked in the parking lot.

Hazel: I don't know. I guess I'll think about it. G2G

Kaitlyn didn't respond after that.

We walked into Dr. Maria's office and she was already there.

"Please, have a seat."

We obeyed.

"So, has it been confirmed that you are pregnant?" she asked.

"Yes." I felt like I was being interrogated for committing an illegal crime.

Dr. Maria had black curly hair that fell by her shoulders. She was studying a clipboard. When she looked at me, her hair bounced a little. Her expression was solemn.

"People with cancer such as yours, don't usually try for babies." she finally said. "Look, I don't want to sugar-coat anything, but… your baby can't survive."

My face fell instantly. I wasn't keen on having a baby in the first place but I was against what she said.

"Your cancer is unpredictable and it's not safe to be pregnant… not safe for you nor the baby." she said. "By going through with this, you could jeopardize your health. If the baby is fully grown inside of you, it can put too much pressure on your well-needed organs. Hazel, you could die faster and more painfully."

Tears spilled out of my eyes at Dr. Maria's words.

"Then what do you suggest I do?"

She looked back down at her clipboard and shook her head lightly, making her curls bounce some more.

"I don't know. Abortion would probably just make it worse for you. Any other medicine or technology touching your fragile body could be dangerous, and kill you faster."

All this talk about me dying made me cry harder.

"I'm afraid, Hazel, there is nothing we can do."


	10. The Fault in Our Colour

Nothing we can do. Nothing we can do. Nothing we can do.

Those were Doctor Maria's words; the words that would haunt the rest of my life. The scary thing was that I didn't even know how much life I had left.

There was that feeling. That crazy and inevitable feeling that would always stay with me, and only cancer patients would understand it. The thing is, one wouldn't know when they will die or when they will have a sudden attack or breakdown. You sort of just wait for it to happen. But it's all about fate.

Cancer was supposed to take me a long time ago, but it allowed me to live on. To explore more of this maze called life. And I feel that with every step forward, the more the walls close in, and the more obstacles are formed. Cancer is the big one-eyed monster chasing me as I run through this maze. If I trip over the obstacles, I'll get eaten. So the answer to living seems simple right? Just don't trip?

But how can I jump over and dodge all of these obstacles when I can't even stand on my own two feet?

I pondered in my bed the night of the appointment. It was usually at nighttime when the scary and depressing thoughts would creep up. Every night I would think of giving up on the maze and hitting that "game over" button myself. But there was something that always told me to hold on just a little longer.

I never knew what it was.

With all the scattered thoughts running around inside, I somehow managed to drift into a deep sleep.

My eyes flutter open to a face so close to mine. No, it couldn't have been him. I've mistaken him once before. But yes, it was him, looking happier, and more handsome than ever. It was the one and only Augustus Waters.

But then I blinked, and he disappeared. He completely vanished, leaving a lump of vomit in his place. Oh wait no, that was me.

I sat up more confused than ever. I didn't recall forcing puke out of my throat. How could I have done it subconsciously? Or maybe I did in the middle of the night and forgot? Being pregnant was so confusing. All I knew at that moment is that I was suddenly starving.

I trudged down stairs, feeling a little more sluggish than usual.

There was a sudden ding at the doorbell and I took my time getting to the door. When I finally opened it, Kaitlyn stood in front of me, wearing clothes way to fashionable for so early in the morning.

I muttered a strange mix between a groan and a sigh.

"Kaitlin. It's early. What do you want?" I asked, a little annoyed.

"Woah, someone's getting cranky. And by the way it's like afternoon. You must've slept in."

Ignoring the rather mean comment, I repeated my question but tried not to sound as cranky.

"What do you want, Kaitlyn?"

"Let's go to Gus' house. The curiosity has been killing me!"

Kaitlyn's loud and excited brittish voice was way too much to handle in the morning but I was too tired to say no. I simply followed Kaitlyn to her car and we drove down the street.

When we pulled up to the familiar house, all the memories came rushing back. I knew that when I walked in, Augustus would fill my mind. And I was right. His scent filled the house somehow and made it feel like he was right there, in front of me. Seeing the encouragements on the walls made me hear his sweet voice reading them. It's funny how it's all in my mind.

We were greeted my Gus' mom, who appeared to be aging faster. It's strange what someone else's death can do to someone. I think the more loved that person is, the greater the mental and physical impact is. Wait, then, how-come I'm okay? Am I really okay?

It was then that I realized that Gus' mom was waiting for an answer from me. But I hadn't heard the question.

"Um... C-Can we go to Gus' room? I think I forgot my... Um... cell phone?" I stuttered.

She motioned for us to come in and we went upstairs. Dragging the oxygen tank everywhere I went was intense and annoying, especially up the stairs. But eventually one gets used to it and it becomes a part of you. But now that I was pregnant, I would have to carry an extra person around. How was I going to do it?

Augustus' room looked about the same as I last saw it. Except there was his wheelchair in the corner and a couple things here and there that I haven't seen before.

I looked over at Kaityn and she was already searching all around the room for "clues". I decided to let Kaitlyn do all the looking because I was already getting tired.

Just as I sat on the bed, I saw it, a bright red piece of paper that stood out from the blueness of his bedroom.

"Kaitlyn, I found something."

Kaitlyn stopped digging through a pile of clothes on the floor and came to sit beside me.

I scanned the paper for any words or numbers and luckily, I found some. But sadly, they made no sense. It was a string of 7 numbers in really bad hand writing. Was it Augustus' hand writing? I've never seen him write before.

Kaitlyn rubbed one number with her finger, and to my surprise, it didn't smudge.

"Alright, so, we know it's not fresh but not too fresh..." - she inspected further - " ...and it's a phone number!"

"Well let's call it then." I said.

Kaitlyn pulled out her phone, turned of caller ID, and dialled. She put the phone to her ear and waited.

"Hi! Is this the... Cooper residence?" Kaitlyn asked.

Then she nodded, probably hearing the last name of whoever lived there.

"Alright... Can I speak to your... Uh... Son?" Kaitlyn asked.

I understood her strategy. She was guessing and getting the correct answers from whoever was on the phone. Kaitlyn was smarter than I thought.

Her face suddenly went pale and she hung up. The expression on her face couldn't be good.

"Kaitlyn?"

"This is Monica's phone number. Monica Shaw."

Ugh, Monica.

Why was her number in Gus' room? Was he cheating on me too? No, no he wasn't. I remembered that Kaitlyn had said that the paper was fresh, but not too fresh.

"Isaac is good friends with Monica, why don't we see what he thinks?"

Ugh, Isaac.

Isaac and Monica. Why couldn't he just leave me alone to be with Monica? Is it that hard to choose between us?

Before I knew it, we were at Isaac's porch and I had the paper stuffed in my pocket. After about ten continuous knocks, he yanked open the door. It was probably the worst I've ever seen him.

His hair that was once black, appeared a weird grey shade and was sticking out and random places. But no beard stubble. Isaac never had beard stubble.

"Hazel, Kaitlyn," he said little impatiently.

Kaitlyn started.

"Sorry to be a bother but we found something, a red piece of pa-"

"Oh, red!" Isaac exclaimed. I was mildly freaked out. He had never been so random like this.

"I used to see red. It was that colour that was all shocking like? The one that captivated your eyes? The colour of the ocean, right? Heck, I can't even remember what colour an apple is? Blue, right?" Isaac was going crazy. Him being blind was controlling his whole mind. I didn't know what to do.

"Isaac, focus. Did Monica ever give you anything?" I asked, steering him back on topic.

I wanted to take back my question because I knew he would say something stupid like, she gave me love.

"Ignore that question." I said. He was scratching his head like a maniac.

"I think you need to sit down. Kaitlyn? Can you escort him to the couch?"

She guided him into the living room and I followed, thinking of ways to ask him questions. But it seemed like all the answers were coming to me.

There was a bright red stack of sticky notes on the counter.

"Has Monica ever come into your house?" I asked.

"Yeah, she came yesterday, to apologize. And now we're in love again."

It stung like hell. I felt the bile rise in my throat. But it wasn't the pregnancy.

I wanted to scream that he didn't love Monica, he loved me. Even with my cancer and pregnancy. But how realistic was that.

Did he still love me? What did Monica do to him? What happened to him? He never even officially said that he didn't love me anymore. I decided to hold off on the personal questions. Oh yeah, and I had to tell him I was pregnant sometime soon.

"Did you go to Gus' house for anything?" Kaitlyn asked.

He hesitated. Hesitation means something...


	11. The Fault in Our Always

This was it. The moment of truth, if you will. Isaac was going to spill, like night-time vomit from a pregnant cancer patient.

"Yes, I did go to Gus'."

"Did you happen to… drop anything while you were there? And what were you doing there anyway?" Kaitlyn pressed.

Instead of focusing on Isaac's answers to Kaitlyn's questions, my mind wandered about all the wrong things. Like how Isaac is supposedly in love with Monica now, and how I'm supposed to take care of a _baby_, another human being, when I can barely take care of myself. And without Isaac's help, since he'll be spending all of his time with Monica. It was all too much.

I looked down and spotted tubes in my vision, then remembered what makes my situation so much more complicated. I was so used to embracing the cancer; accepting my impending doom. But then, I had something to live for. I had a baby inside of me that needed to live. I had a mystery to solve. _What am I supposed to do?_ I thought to myself.

Nobody talked while I was thinking, and I almost thought I was thinking aloud.

Finally, Isaac said something.

"Well… okay. I went to Gus' house to see if he had anything I could read or remember him by, and Monica's phone number might've slipped out of my pocket. So I went to Augustus' house. So I have some feelings. Is that a crime? And I might've dropped Monica's number by accident."

At that moment, I felt worse than I already did. And confused. Very confused. So I decided to speak up.

"Did you find anything at his house? Anything that maybe, I can read?" I asked.

He scratched his head, not in that creepy and insane way. It was more natural this time, as if the normal Isaac had returned.

I looked over at Kaitlyn, who seemed to be analyzing every detail of him, as if he was this big jerk, like I basically told her that he was. But there was something innocent and sweet about Isaac, so I could never completely hate him.

"No, I didn't find anything else." He replied in the calmest tone I'd heard him use all afternoon. I sighed and sat back, knowing that I could trust him. Pictures of Gus' face started creeping into my head, and I began to feel that horrible feeling again.

At that moment, Isaac smiled suddenly, and it shocked me. He was probably trying to change the melancholic air to the room. Isaac like _never _smiled. Ever since he became blind, he hadn't smiled at all. His smile was so odd, that I just had to smile back, even though he couldn't see it.

I laughed, like Isaac often caused me to do. Then I remembered what it was like to be in love with him. I never thought I could love again, but Isaac made it so easy. Okay, so maybe I love Isaac. Like really love him. But there's stupid Monica in the way.

"How's Monica?" I asked, bringing up the topic casually.

"Oh, she's great."

_Great._

He must've noticed me slump a little at his words, because what he said after, blew the tubes right out of my nostrils.

"I can't do this anymore." – he paused – "You are much greater than Monica will ever be. You see, I need someone who not only loves me, but challenges me on an intellectual level. And Monica just doesn't do any of those things. She came to me to ask me if I would be her boyfriend again, I said no, but I told you that I said yes just to make you jealous."

He paused to smirk at me, and I laughed some more.

"So… Monica kept getting into my head and hurting me. I'm done with that. I want to be with someone that I can actually have a normal conversation with." He said.

I didn't even have to look at Kaitlyn to know that she was doing her 'aw' face at me.

Isaac rubbed his hands on his pants.

"Um, I'm not very good with words, sorry." He paused to think before continuing. "We need each other, and together, wait no, sorry."

Watching Isaac stumble seemed to crack me up, even though it shouldn't have been. I was about to tell him that I accepted whatever he was trying to say, but then he tried again when I opened my mouth.

"Okay, I got it. What I'm trying to say is that… when I'm with you, I feel like a whole new person and being blind doesn't seem to matter. I can't see you physically, but I can feel your presence when you're here. I can feel that cool Hazel-like aura and it makes me feel good. I want you to always be there. _Always._ Do you get what I'm saying?"

"I think I see what you're getting at here." I said. In reality, I didn't really understand.

He grinned again before continuing. He must've been really nervous to be smiling so much.

"This probably makes no sense, but, I'm going to try and be smart here and propose that maybe alright can be our okay?" he asked.

Okay was like my always with Gus. If I were to have an always with Isaac, that would be like a repetition of my old relationship, would it not? No. I believe it would have a different meaning now that it's being used with a different person. The idea was quite clever.

"I'd like that." I said through a smile.

Someone cleared their throat beside me, and I forgot that Kaitlyn was there for a moment.

"I am so lost. Can someone please fill me in? And what's with all this smiling?" she asked.

This time, Isaac and I laughed together.

I looked at him and instantly saw his genuine beauty, when he wasn't even trying to look good today. That's when I knew how much I truly loved him. I always wanted him around, because he possessed these magical Isaac powers. He could make a broken cancer-patient light-hearted. And it was true – what he said; we needed each other.

_Thank you, Isaac, for being there for me when others couldn't. _That's what I wanted to tell him. But instead, I decided to communicate my thoughts through an embrace. I stood to hug him, and felt his warmth surround me.

In a voice that only I could hear, yet not a whisper, he said, "Alright,"

I loved how different our relationship was from others. It was one too deep for anyone else to understand. It was just Isaac and I, at the very bottom of the deep end, while the rest were at the shallow end. They could only dream of a relationship like this, because to them, love doesn't really exist.

But us down here, we know what love is. We feel it all the time.

"Alright." I whispered back.

This wasn't the end. More like the beginning of the beginning, beginning with a promise.

I thought about our word; Alright. To my knowledge, our alright meant that we would try to stay forever content, that we would hope to be forever in love, and that we would dream to be forever infinite.


	12. The Fault in Our Glow

I fell in love the way the night falls: slowly and evidently, yet unexpectedly. And like nightfall, this love was sure; it would always be there. I liked to think that when cancer would kill me, my soul wouldn't die. If my soul had something to hold on to, then I, Hazel-Grace Lancaster, would not be completely gone.

That night, when I was waiting on Kaitlyn's porch, I looked up at the misty sky. Its depth seemed endless in the dark. In all of the sky, I saw something sparkling. One single star. It was completely irrelevant to everything, but when I was in love, I would see the world in a different light.

The slightest breeze ruffled my clothes; which took quite a while to pick out. As a romantic-ish gesture, Isaac bought three tickets for the Hectic Glow concert (for Isaac, Kaitlyn, and I). I said yes right away, not realizing how much trouble I would be putting myself through.

Firstly, I've never been to a concert before. With all the cancer in the way, I haven't been able to live a normal life. I had no idea what people wore to concerts. So I ended up calling Kaitlyn to help choose my outfit. After a lot of OMG-you-totally-have-to-try-that-on's, and over-my-cancerous-and-pregnant-dead-body's, we decided on a black t-shirt with _Hectic Glow_ scribbled across the front, and jean shorts. I basically one the clothing battle.

Soon enough, Kaitlyn and I were at Isaac's front porch. He walked out right after we knocked with that cheeky smirk on his face.

"Oh, what now?" I questioned.

Isaac brought out an object from his jacket pocket. It sparkled in the moonlight a little. After holding it for a bit, he handed it to me.

"The newest Hectic Glow CD?"

"Happy… uh, Friday?" Isaac uttered.

I wanted to say everything but I couldn't say anything. It was too much. The newest Hectic Glow CD meant more than just a piece of plastic. It meant that I could listen to all of my favourites again and again; constantly feeding me hope through my ears.

I opened my mouth to speak but ended up closing it again.

"Turn it over." Isaac said.

So I did. On the other side, there were four signatures scribbled across the corners of the cd case. The four signatures of the four band members of The Hectic Glow. _The Fricken Hectic Glow._

"I think the words you're looking for here are 'thank you'." Kaitlyn said from beside me.

"Right, that. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I exclaimed as I jumped in for a hug. Being this close to him and being this focused, made me aware of his scent. His body smelled of a mild mint. What a weird scent.

Isaac, Kaitlyn and I walked out of the car together to see a couple teens and young adults milling around on pavement. Beside a building, sat a larger one, where faint music from it filled the city centre. After navigating to the ticket line, and enduring extremely awkward stares from strangers, we managed to get to our assigned spot. And of course, Isaac managed to snag us the best seats in the house. Exactly in the middle of the very first row. How could I repay him? This was the experience of a life time.

When the curtains spread and the four band members were revealed, the crowd went wild. Now, that phrase is extremely overused, but it was true; people were jumping and screaming before the music even started. The Hectic Glow gave a short introduction and began playing a non-stop stream of all of my favourites. All I could think was that I couldn't believe that I was there. And that I loved Isaac more than ever before.

"Hey, Isaac! I think I love you!" I screamed in his ear.

"What!?" he screamed back. I sighed and waved him off.

"Just kidding!" he yelled again.

I looked back at the stage and the guys were jumping and singing at the same time. And so were those around me. Even Kaitlyn. Isaac just nodded slightly, but I could tell he was really enjoying himself.

The Hectic Glow lyrics echoed through the stadium and stuffed my ears. It was all I could hear. But it was beautiful and meaningful. Drums, guitar, bass, and voice seemed to explode with each second, getting louder with each beat. My body vibrated with every up-tempo beat of the song. And with that happening, it was impossible to not dance along. I began to let the music move me, and for once, I felt alive.

After about 2 songs, I was yelling the lyrics so loudly that my throat dried. I had to stop and start with the dancing to not get tired, and Isaac even supported it. Even with all of the music and fun surrounding me, I still felt a nagging feeling somewhere inside. No, not the baby, just the fact that I didn't tell Isaac. I wouldn't want him to leave me for dumping my problems on him, when he obviously already had enough. I decided that I would tell him at his door after dropping him off.

Time flew by quickly and before I knew it, I was riding shotgun, Isaac was in the back seat, and Kaitlyn was driving us to Isaac's to drop him off.

"My ears are still ringing!" Kaitlyn exclaimed, widening her eyes.

"It'll be gone by tomorrow." said Isaac, who has experienced the ear ringing many times before.

When the car went silent, I thought of my real problems. As much as I wanted to click my heels and turn into a cancer-less teenage girl, I remembered that the world is not a wish-granting factory. I'd have to face the world's problems like a big girl.

"Well this is my house." Isaac announced from the back seat. Kaitlyn and I got out of the car and walked him inside his house, being careful not to make him hit anything. In his open concept home, I sighed and decided on telling him the truth.

"Isaac, listen. I-"

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Isaac questioned. I stopped in mid-sentence and attempted to study his face for any emotion, but I couldn't detect what he meant.

"What do you mean?" I asked, speaking a little quieter so Kaitlyn – who was waiting by the door – couldn't hear us.

"I mean, you can tell me anything." I didn't dare to breathe. If I opened my mouth, everything I wanted to say would spill out and confuse him. It definitely wasn't the time.

But with all of the tension in the room, I gave in. My mouth hung open for a while before telling him.

"I don't want to ruin anything, but the opportunity to tell you has been coming, and I kept missing it."

_Please don't leave me._

"I have a baby… inside… of my stomach." I whispered, not knowing why I was whispering.

At first he didn't do anything. But then, he smiled little.

"No, you don't understand. This can kill me faster because I've already got the head start, if you know what I mean." I said, even quieter than a whisper, if that was possible.

"Oh. It's fine. We'll get through this." he said as he aggressively rubbed his hands over his face.

"Is there something wrong?"

"I-I dunno." he stuttered. "I'm fine with the baby and all, I really am. It's just there's... Something else... Sorry... Y'know it's getting late. Maybe you should head home. Oh yeah, support group tomorrow." 

"Something else? Maybe I should head home?" I asked in confusion. 

"I had a nice time. See you later." he said. 

"Huh." I muttered before meeting up with Kaitlyn at the door. 

"What was that about?" she asked. 

"I told him about you know what. He was fine with it. But there was... 'Something else'." 

"What?" 

"I have no idea." 

I dropped Kaitlyn off and entered my house, which was unusually quiet. Mom and Dad were probably asleep. The clock ticked and I glanced at it; 12:03 am. 

Suddenly, my phone buzzed in my pocket with a tri-tone sound; a text. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see the bright screen contrasting with the darkness of my house. And the lock screen, read: 

I'm still here.  
Augustus Waters 

Then the screen shut off, and I was left alone to decode this message in the darkness of my house.

**Ooooooooohhh! Guaranteed drama in next chapter! Stay tuned!**

**-beacuz**

**Because I said so. See what I did there?**


	13. The Fault in Our Texts

I turned on my heels so quickly that I almost dropped my phone for the umpteenth time. I couldn't help but to feel the feeling that I was being stalked.

I knew that Augustus was dead. So why was he texting me? It's impossible to come back from the dead. I began to question my very own existence. Obviously, investigating the situation with Kaitlyn did absolutely nothing. So what was I to do? This person wanted something from me.

I brought my phone to my face and observed the screen. Bright as always, the message sat in the middle of my lock screen, just waiting to be replied to. I let out a frustrated sigh and swiped to answer. My fingers shook as typed each letter.

Hazel: What do you want?

I went upstairs to prepare for bed, while keeping my eyes glued to my phone the whole time. I feared talking to this anonymous being, but I was so darn curious to know how something like that could even happen. By the time I was ready to sleep, he still hadn't replied. The funny thing was that the message had been read. I decided to text him three question marks. And finally…

_Augustus: You._

I furrowed my eyebrows together and blinked a few times. I didn't understand. With all of the confusion, I drifted off into an unsettling sleep.

I was jolted awake by a tri-tone. I peered over at my phone to see that it was 8:23 am and that I had received a text from no other than Augustus Waters. It read, do you still love me?

It was too early in the morning to text. My eyes burned from the annoying brightness of my screen. But what an interesting question. Did I still love him? I knew I loved Isaac, but it seemed as if my love for Augustus died along with his body. But Isaac could never be Gus. I ran a hand over my face with a great sigh. I felt like a doll being pulled at by the arms and legs. On one arm was Gus, on the other arm was Isaac, on one leg was the baby, and on the other leg was Kaitlyn. Oh, and cancer was pulling my head. I had to please everyone but I had absolutely no idea how. If they all pulled for too long, one day I'd just… well… poof.

I knew if I didn't reply, Augustus would continue to bother me until I did. So, I replied with an I dunno.

Hours later, I trudged downstairs to eat something, still with my phone in hand. I grabbed an apple and kept walking until I reached the chair on the porch.

Our porch had been painted entirely white to give our house a less depressing feel to it, apparently. It was weird because it made me feel even more depressed. Its colourless hue was like eating food with no flavour. It was… nothing.

And just like that, I dropped my apple into the mini garden beneath me. The colour white changed my whole mood – it was just the memories associated with it.

Suddenly, a notification popped up that I had support group soon and that I'd have to pick up Isaac. Instead of me picking him up, a car rolled into small rusty green car pulled into the driveway, and I could see Isaac and his mom in the two front seats.

"We're picking you up today! Come on in!" Isaac's Mom sang with too much energy.

I got into the back seat and checked my phone again for any texts, but nothing.

"Um," I began. "Thanks… Mrs. -"

"Oh, call me Julie." said Isaac's mom.

After a few minutes, she dropped us off at the front and sped away.

"Hey," he said.

I looked at the building in front of us and at the empty area that surrounded it, feeling a little confused and lost.

"Hey," I said back.

"Can I…" he said, colour beginning to tint his cheeks. "…feel your stomach?"

Now I began to blush. A warm feeling surged through me as I looked around to see if anyone was watching us, because that would be awkward. He took a step forward and I almost felt claustrophobic, with such little distance between us.

"Um, but there's no kicking." I said.

"I'd still like to feel it."

I gave him a weird look, but then realized that he couldn't see it. I giggled briefly then took his warm hand in mine to place it on my stomach. The touch seemed to send tingles through me. I soon let go.

"What're you going to name it?" he asked with a lighter voice than usual.

"I haven't given it much thought." I said, looking down at my stomach, as if that would help.

"Well if you ever need any help with the baby, just know that I'm here, for you." said Isaac.

"Thank you."

I smiled then brought my gaze to the door of the entrance to the building.

"Support group awaits," I announced to break the awkward tension.


	14. The Fault in Our Support

"Don't let the cancer define me." A heart-felt Patrick said with guitar in hand. "Say it with me,"

I sighed and repeated after him, not feeling at all what was being said, like most times at support group.

I looked to Isaac across the "circle of trust". He was fiddling with his contractible walking stick – moving it side to side between his hands with pure boredom. Somewhere in all of his non-excitement, a small smile played at his lips. His inky black hair was swept up as always, the room's light making it shine. The large opaque glasses he wore were always a challenge for me – I could never know what he was thinking. I don't even remember what colour his eyes were. They were probably a soft, loving and warm brown. Or maybe a cool and mysterious blue. It was as if there were secrets hidden behind those rectangular lenses; into the blinded eyes of Isaac Green.

"Hazel!" Patrick exclaimed from the center of the trust circle, in the center literal heart of Jesus. I broke my stare to look to Patrick.

"How about you?"

"Huh?"

"How are you, Hazel?"

"I-I believe I'm fine." I said. Patrick tapped his guitar and nodded.

"That's amazing. It's good that we're fine."

"Uh-huh." I agreed.

Patrick spun in his chair while pointing his guitar to choose the next person to interrogate. Odd enough, it landed on Isaac.

"You! The name is…?"

"Isaac." Isaac placed his walking stick in his lap and focused.

"Right. How are you?" Patrick asked him.

"I'm great."

"Great! Isaac's great, we're all great."

"Uh-huh." said Isaac.

"Hey, let me repeat one thing I said earlier – don't let the cancer define you." said Patrick, a little more seriously. That's when Isaac and most of the others looked up to pay attention. "

"Cancer might be inside of you, but you're still inside of you – the you inside of you is deeper than the cancer. Don't let cancer through those walls. You're stronger than that."

I gave it thought. It was probably the most inspirational thing Patrick has ever said. And I felt like believing it. Like an onion, the centre parts have to be me. Then outside of that is the cancer. I've been doing it wrong the whole time.

Patrick continued to talk with other people. Many of them still had problems and were still dealing with constant mental breakdowns based on Cancer. The worst breakdown was with a girl a little younger than me, who just wanted to live a normal life. That's all she wanted; a normal, cancer-less life. I had a silent respect for all those who had to deal with Cancer. They're probably the strongest type of people.

"Yeah… and that should be the end of the session." said Patrick after talking with everyone in the circle.

"Living my best life today."

And with that, we all stood up and began heading out. Isaac was still sitting in his chair, appearing to be deep in thought. I sat down next to him and observed him some more. He played with his walking stick again.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly, trying not to startle him.

"What Patrick said. About being you, not the disease. It's interesting." he said. I nodded.

"I, too, want to be me, not the disease." I agreed.

He chuckled briefly and said, "Doesn't everyone."

"Isaac, what colour are your eyes?"

He smiled and stopped fiddling, like he was thinking about it.

"Brown. Though I'm not exactly sure what brown is supposed to look like…" his voice trailed off and he sat further back in his chair.

I held his warm hand in mine for comfort. Unlike most touches, this one surprised me. The light feel of his hand sent fireworks pulsing through the veins of my hand and arm. Eventually, it reached my heart and made it beat quicker than usual.

"I wish I could see them." I said.

**Awesomeness awaits... that is all I'll say**

**stay tuned :)**

**Thanks! Read n reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	15. The Fault in Our Love

The chairs were still placed in a circle in the room – each one slightly shifted. The room's sudden silence made being alone with Isaac so much more intense. Every time I shifted in my seat or when Isaac would play with the walking stick, it would sound ten times louder than it was supposed to. Every time our arms grazed, I'd feel his body heat transfer to my body. And the craziest thing was every time I looked at him.

"Um," I said suddenly, beginning to shake my head. "We should probably…"

"Do you think I'll ever get my eye sight back?" asked Isaac, straightening his slumped posture. "I mean, I'll never get to see the baby."

I didn't think it was possible to be un-blinded.

"I…" I started slowly.

"What I'm trying to say is that I might get a surgery. To get my eye sight back." He said quietly as he ruffled his silky hair.

"Surgery?" I questioned, raising my voice. I was beginning to have too many things to think about, to the point where it was becoming stressful.

I couldn't help but to furrow my eyebrows at Isaac's statement.

"Un-blinding surgery? Isn't that dangerous? Why are you risking your life?" My voice caught in my throat at the sudden burst of surprise. I had too much to deal with already. Why was he over complicating things?

"I want to see colour how you see it. I want to be normal." he said firmly. "The layer of blindness is eating at my inner layer of me. The blindness is consuming me. I'll have a mental breakdown if this goes any further."

Isaac's words were deep and they scared me. I didn't realize how serious all of this was and how much it was bothering him. He put on such a façade showing how happy he was, but what lied underneath was a whirlwind of emotions. I was bonded to him in such a way that I couldn't help but to feel what he was feeling too. At the same time, I couldn't let him take the surgery.

"You can't get the surgery! You're all I have! What if you… you…" I couldn't say it. It had become my worst nightmare – having another one I loved die.

He took a breath, loud and clear enough for me to feel every wisp of heart-break associated with it.

"Everything happens for a reason." he said. "I think Kaitlyn's waiting for you in the parking lot."

In Kaitlyn's car, I told her about all my problems. Starting from most recent, I told her about Isaac's risky eye surgery. Then, I talked about the weird Augustus coming back to life thing, and the baby of course. With all of these problems, I had no idea what to do or where to start.

Kaitlyn said that it was up to me and that she would help me and support me with anything I did. Which is what I wanted to hear, I guess.

When I got home, things got even more complicated to the point where it could've driven me crazy if I didn't already have so many other things to think about.

On my white front door, sat a small sticky note in the centre; a small bright blue sticky note. I stopped mid-way up the steps in confusion. Kaitlyn, who stood next to me, was excited for something like this to happen. Only, none of us knew what it meant. I walked to the note on the door (dragging my oxygen tank with me, of course) and ripped it off to examine it. I found words written in black scrawl. The note read, _Do you still love me? A.W. _Why wouldn't he leave me alone?

"You've got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed before tearing up the paper and throwing shreds onto the lawn.

"I'm getting notes… from someone who's dead. Kaitlyn," I turned back, not knowing what to do anymore. "This makes no sense. Kaitlyn, my life makes no sense."

Kaitlyn offered a sympathetic hug, but I ignored it, too frustrated to bother.

"What's the point of this? Is this some sort of joke?" I ask.

"I-I dunno, Hazel." Kaitlyn answered.

I looked to the sky that was slowly fading to a deeper shade of blue; the sun began to set. I often looked to the sky to find answers to life's perplexing questions. That day, it just confused me with its swirling clouds.

"Isaac said that everything happens for a reason." I stated as I looked into Kaitlyn's dark and worried eyes. "So why is all of this happening to me?"

She offered another hug and I let myself melt in her arms.

**The story is just beginning to pick up... so... plenty more to come ;)**

**\- beacuz**


	16. The Fault in Our Affection

The next day, I waited impatiently at Isaac's door to talk to him. In that moment, all I wanted was some genuine comfort; to be alone with someone I loved. It became a strange aching feeling in my chest, when I wasn't with him. And it was more than ever before, more than I could've imagined.

I knew that it was only about three seconds that I waited at his door, but it felt like much longer. It was as if the world was slowing down to annoy me. Love was a strange thing.

At the same time that I was loving him, I was angry. Angry that he wanted to take a dangerous surgery, angry that the baby inside of me probably wouldn't survive and angry that a dead guy was alive and stalking me. And the cancer was just the icing on top of my rotten cake.

Just as I was enduring yet another whirlwind of emotions, the door opened, revealing Isaac and a walking stick. I was finally at ease.

"Isaac? It's Hazel." I said with a calm sigh.

He appeared just like he had the previous day. With that same inky black hair, dull clothes, and mild mint scent. The small smile on his lips made me smile too, somehow always instantly brightening my mood. I could almost feel his warmth while standing meters away.

"Come in, come in." he said with the same calmness as I had used. Seconds later, I was sitting across from him in his small living room.

"Um," I uttered, not exactly sure of what to say. "You still going to take that surgery?"

"I don't know. I think I will." Isaac sighed heavily as if trying to breathe something out. "It's pretty damn scary."

"Don't feel like you have to do it to please me or something. I love you for… you." The room was silent again and it made my last sentence stand out. I looked out the window at nothing in particular and tensed as my cheeks heated up. At least he couldn't see how rosy they were.

"How's Anna doing?" he asked suddenly.

"Who?"

"Anna, your baby. I think she's growing, actually."

"That might just be me getting fat, but you're free to think whatever you like." I said casually, placing my hand on… Anna. "Anna… imperial affliction… nice. But what if it's a boy?"

He paused to think for a second.

"You can come up with that one." He said. From across where I sat, he swiftly stood up and sank into the couch I was sitting on. And in that motion, his spicy mint tickled my nose and my blood flowed a billion times faster.

My nose twitched involuntarily at the scent; it was my favourite.

I wasn't sure if I'd told Isaac about the whole baby issue. So I told him then, hoping it wouldn't ruin his mood.

"The doctors told me that Anna might not survive. And I might not either." I lowered my voice at the saddening thought that I'd be dying, along with Anna. Wasn't it basically murder on my part? To kill of another living being? "It's the can-"

"No." Isaac stated, taking my jittery hands in his warm ones. Once again, the gesture caused intense fireworks to explode inside. "Don't say it. You're not going to die, neither is Anna."

I looked at his face and even with the glasses that blocked most from seeing his inner emotions, I could see right through him.

"But saying that doesn't change anything." I said back in the same serious tone he had spoken to me with. "This is why falling in love is so hard for me. I come with all these extra problems."

I stopped myself before I got too deep. I had no idea where all of this was coming from. I guess they were just hidden emotions I never knew I had; buried beneath the surface.

"I guess… you're the lucky one that has to deal with me now." My voice came out a little dry and shaky – that, I could not control.

Isaac lightly shook his head. Then he spoke.

"You, Hazel, are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't ever think anything but."

I hadn't realized, but his face was inches away from mine. I couldn't breathe nor could I think. It was as if the slightest breath might've damaged the moment.

In the faintest of whispers, I mouthed the word, "Alright."

I then felt his soft lips gently press to mine; light, like a snowflake would descend to the ground. Not only did I feel the touch on my lips, but the sensation spread everywhere else. It seemed like how one's first kiss would be, except this wasn't Isaac's first kiss. He'd done so many times with Monica.

Perhaps this one, with me, was his first real one.

He moved back a little and grinned, his cheeks becoming slightly flushed, as if silently asking if it was okay for him to do that.

The calm was interrupted with a sudden rock beat. Music sounded from across the room. I could tell it was _Listening_ by The Hectic Glow. It wasn't my phone though, I had a different song for my ring tone.

"It's my cell. Ringing." he said.

"You can answer it."

Panicked, Isaac stumbled.

"Uh… I…"

He sat there confused as the song continued to ring through the room. Then, he abruptly stood up and walked over to pick up his cell.

"Everything good?" I asked.

Instead of answering, Isaac stormed down the hall with the cell and disappeared.

**Hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for more :)**

**Also, you can check me out on Wattpad for more stories. I have some originals there. On Wattpad, I'm bea_cuz. Thanks and happy reading!**

**-beacuz**


	17. The Fault in Our Struggles

I. Can't. Breathe. I. Can't. Take. It. Scary one-eyed monster. Teeth as sharp as needles. Oozing goo with every pace in its frightening sprint towards me.

In that moment, I was beyond confused. And I hated being confused to the point where I didn't know what to do. With all the issues in my life eating away at my core, what was I to do?

Isaac's passion for me left me so dumbfounded that I was prepared to kiss him back, show him how much I loved him too, but he'd left so suddenly. All alone in his living room, I didn't know if I should try to find him and be clingy, stay put on the couch like an idiot or leave like an uncompassionate person. He was supposed to be the one I'd rely on in the future to raise Anna. How could that work if I couldn't even trust him?

The frustration was like a vacuum, sucking all reassurance out of me, and letting it build in my eyes in the form of tears. Just a moment ago, I felt like the luckiest girl alive when Isaac kissed me. But can our love really block out the pain I refuse to endure?

I slowly dug my flat nails into the plush surface of the couch beneath me to stand up. I then peered down the hall to see if Isaac was there – he was nowhere in sight. My conscience ordered me to walk down the hall and try to find him, so of course I did. At the end of the hall, a sturdy beige door stood on my right, and another on my left. The faint muffled sound of Isaac's voice picked up in my right ear, so I turned right. Sure enough, the voice grew louder as I inched closer to the door. I attempted to hold my breath so that the only noise in the house was Isaac's.

"It's not working…" said his voice from inside of the room.

_What's not working?_ That could refer to a lot of different things. The house went silent for a few seconds, before Isaac spoke again.

"I will not be used again!" he whisper shouted. There was some quieter talking that I couldn't understand. Even after eavesdropping on his conversation, I still had no idea what he was talking about. I leaned into the door – my ear facing it – to try and hear more.

Suddenly, I was leaning on nothing – the door had opened. In that split second, I was completely unbalanced. Thankfully, Isaac appeared to catch me. His strong arms held mine and our faces were inches apart as I caught my breath from almost falling.

"We're you eavesdropping?" he asked, his voice calm with a hint of panic.

_Yes._

"No." I said as I stood on my own, arms crossed. I tried to appear confident, cool and collected. But on the inside, I was a wreck. I was sure he could see the wetness in my eyes.

"What's going on? I need answers." I said. With all the madness going on in my mind, I needed someone to be honest with me. Someone to tell me what was going on, because I couldn't take the craziness anymore.

The last few months of my life had been a bitter-sweet nightmare with cancer, love, death, sorrow, more love, and a whole lot of confusion. I just couldn't keep up anymore. But the slightest bit of hope was still there, so couldn't stop fighting.

Inevitable oblivion? Sure. But not without a fight.

**Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed! Sorry for the short chapter. This chapter is short because the stuff coming up didn't exactly fit into this... ugh hard to explain. Hopefully you'll see why soon.**

**Anyways, happy holidays!**

**\- beacuz**


	18. The Fault in Our Ideas

"I…" he stammered, running his hand through his midnight-black hair as if would bring all the words to his mouth.

"You just _kissed _me, Isaac. I'm supposed to trust you. What's going on?" I questioned with uncertainty in my voice. I was overreacting and I knew it. I just couldn't stop myself. I think I just wanted everything in my life to be as close to perfect as I could get it. And as soon as one thing doesn't work out, I figure out how and why.

I trusted him. I trusted him with all my heart. So what was this silly game he was playing? What the heck did he think he was doing, tugging at my heart strings like that? What if he tugged too much? My heart would… break. Along with the rest of me. Suddenly a dreaded thought crossed my mind, one that I tried to suppress, but couldn't help asking Isaac about it, to make sure it wasn't true.

"Oh my God. Are you using me? Like Monica used you? Is that what the phone call was about?" I asked as my throat tightened, fearing the worse. He wasn't answering me. Why wasn't he answering me? I'd been such a fool. I thought I'd found genuine love with him, but it's becoming clear to me that I was fooled.

"No, no, I'm not like that." He spoke evenly as if I wasn't standing here, demanding him to tell me what was going on. If he told me, maybe I could help with whatever it was. Or what if it was about me? My senses told me it was.

"Then was that about?" I was growing more paranoid by the second. "You're supposed to be able to tell me anything. Now you're being secretive when all I want is honesty."

Isaac stuffed his hands in the pockets of his dark-washed jeans and prepared to storm off, but then I placed my jittery hands on his chest to stop him.

"_What_, Hazel?" his tone had turned ice cold. "You. You _confuse_ me. One minute, I'm over the moon about you, the next, there you are, messing with my mind," Was that a good thing? I couldn't tell where he was going with this or what he meant; he was talking to fast. Isaac's pale face lightly filled with colour as he rambled on. Maybe this was one of those mental breakdown things that Patrick had been talking about.

"Isaac…"

He pressed his palm against his forehead. He was confused. I was confused. _What is life?_ I thought.

"I can't get my thoughts together." He mumbled to himself in mid-sigh. "I'm going crazy. But… I'm still crazy in love with you."

My cheeks flushed at the fact that he'd said that. But wait, I was supposed to be angry at him for keeping secrets from me. I couldn't form coherent thoughts anymore. I swear, Isaac was the most confusing mess I've ever stepped into.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me close, and kissed me, more passionately than he had before. At that very moment, all my anger and confusion had melted into mush. Not only did I feel the kiss in my lips, but in my heart as well. I pressed my body against his, wanting to be entangled in his minty aroma forever. Our lips moved in sync, making my heart beat louder with every second. His hands were moving down my back, sending tingles down my spine. I grabbed a fist full of his dark hair, continuing to kiss him. I was running out of air, but couldn't bear to part from his steamy embrace. He was as addictive as candy. As addictive as An Imperial Affliction. I never wanted to stop, but soon enough, my crappy lungs had given in. I pulled back to take a large breath. He too, did the same. But once again, I wanted so much more.

"Hazel," he breathed. "Could you ever forgive me?"

_What was he taking about?_

**_Hey guys!_ Sorry this took so long. I got the worst writers block. This love scene was so awkward to write by the way.**

**Also, check me out on Wattpad! Over there I'm bea_cuz. I've also started this crossover between Divergent and The Hunger Games called "Shift". You guys should check it out. Anyways, thank you sincerely for all the support! **

**\- beacuz**


	19. The Fault in Our Feelings

I was crying. No, not just crying, I was bawling my eyes out. It was so bad that I couldn't see anymore. It was a continuous stream of tears that I wasn't even forcing. The kind that only make appearance when someone dies. Except, nobody died this time; my heart did. I was too hurt to assign this pain a level.

Being used was the worst feeling. Especially if it was by someone I loved.

When Isaac confessed, it couldn't believe it. Everything clicked, yet was left feeling more shattered than ever.

It had been Isaac the whole time. My dead boyfriend, Augustus Waters, had been Isaac the _whole _time. What could motivate a person to do such a thing?

He tried to explain to me but I fled his apartment quicker than ever, not wanting to hear any petty piece of crap he could tell me.

After _it_ happened, I'd driven home, scared and confused.

I was officially double-heartbroken. I'd had my heart broken once by Gus when he died, but then once more when Isaac posed as him and lied to my face. Like, who does that?

After having my heart crushed the first time, I should've known not to love again. I should've listened to Dad when he warned me. I should've been careful. But stupid little me had to go and fall in love, only to feel the pain again, and even worse than before.

I spent who-knows-how-long sobbing in my room, and all I could conclude was that love fricken sucked. Especially when you were me.

It hurt so badly. Not just mentally, but physically; my body was rattling and my legs felt like jello. I couldn't even stand up. During that moment that I was crouched in the dark corner of my room, unable to fathom anything at all, I didn't care about anything anymore. I was willing to gulp down all of my pills and kill myself just to ease the pain.

Who knew love could cause that much damage?

My phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket. It was probably Isaac calling to apologize. Little did he know that no amount of apologies could mend my broken heart.

Imagine me as a delicate and fragile china cup. Isaac used me and used me until one day, he dropped me, and all my delicate little pieces scattered across the floor. And at that moment, he was apologizing, trying to tape my china pieces back together. But let's face it, a taped china glass with all the little cracks in it would never be the same as the beautiful one it once was. So, apologizing could never fix the situation. It could never make me better.

Nothing could.

The one thing that really bothered me was the why. Why had Isaac lied to me and posed as Augustus? What joy or satisfaction had that brought him? Whatever reason that was behind it was probably twisted. Who knows what goes on inside of Isaac's head?

My phone buzzed again, and once again, I ignored it. What did Isaac ant anyway? He probably got what he wanted from me already.

I eyed a spot on my dark-wash jeans that had a thread poking out. I aimlessly picked at it, not knowing what else to do. My eyes then wandered around my room, at the mess it has become. Clothes and items were placed randomly around the room; what I tended to do unconsciously when I was stressed. My eyes finally landed on one of my bottles of pills. Small, white, compact, round… but deadly. Very deadly if I took too much. In an instant, I grabbed it.

I've always looked down upon those who committed suicide. I mean, I could never understand why they'd done it. Everyone had their own reasons. I always thought that cancer would kill me off eventually. Why would I end it myself? And now… I mean, the bottle is right here in my slender little hands.

Suddenly, the door of my room swung open and Kaitlyn marched in with a crease in her forehead, worried. Kaitlyn was like never worried.

"Hazel? Hazel! Where have you been? You didn't answer your phone, y-… oh my gosh what are you holding?"

I looked down into my shaking hands to find my bottle of pills. I just couldn't stop my hands from moving like earthquakes.

"I… h- he…" I began trailing off again, new tears pouring out of my eyes. Kaitlyn wrapped her arms around me, comforting me like the best friend she is.

"My life is…" I paused to sniff up my tears. "…is a mess. My baby's going to die, Isaac sucks and Gus is still dead."

I lay in that spot in the corner of my room, sulking about life, completely unprepared to actually do something about it. Well, there was nothing I could do about anything.

"You know what they say… 'Life's a bitch.'" Kaitlyn said in her comical British tone, somehow shining light on the situation. "But you have to keep fighting."

"Huh?"

"You have to wipe your tears, get off your butt, and keep fighting. It's the only way." Kaitlyn said. I didn't want to believe what she was saying, but deep down I knew it was true. I had to keep living. I had to keep enduring this thing called life.

* * *

**Oooooh! Plot twist! By the way, I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my other story called Shift. It's a spicy crossover between Divergent and The Hunger Games! Sweet, right?**

**-beacuz**


	20. The Fault in Our Swing Sets

You know what I wished? Other than to have a normal life, my wish was to somehow organize my thoughts. You know, like into folders like my computer. My brain would be a much safer and much more relaxed place. But, no. My thoughts were swarming. My ideas were all over the place and I had no idea how to stop them. I guess according to Kaitlyn, ending the chaos of my thoughts did not mean I had to end my life. It meant, 'getting my lazy butt off of the floor'. And, well, that's exactly what she proceeded to do.

She led me outside into the backyard, bright and sunny, and was determined to get me to play. To _play._ Was I four years old or something?

"You need it." She'd said. "You need to have fun. Remember what it's like to be young and care-free again."

I gave her my blandest look. All I intended to do was plop on the couch and snuggle up with An Imperial Affliction.

"Leave me alone, Kaitlyn. I'm fine. I'm over him. I'm over life. I'm happy, see?" I forced a smile and squinted my eyes. Darn, she saw right through me.

"Yeah, I'm not falling for that. Sit on the swing."

"Huh?"

"The swing. Get on it." She insisted. I obeyed. The contraption was glistening with sunshine and practically screaming youth and happiness. Maybe a little too much. Nonetheless, I plopped myself onto the seat.

"Now close your eyes."

"Kaitlyn, I- "

"_Close them."_

I closed my eyes in annoyance. Kaitlyn really needed to stop trying with me and just go home. I could deal with life on my own.

"Now, Hazel," she whispered in a therapeutic tone. "Imagine… an awesome life…"

I tried. I imagined me reading An Imperial Affliction, circling each significant phrase one by one. I imagined me in love with no one in particular, just generally. And most importantly, I imagined me without cancer. Now that was awesome.

"Kaitlyn, you're really good at this…" I said, with my eyes still closed. I didn't want to let go of this beautiful imaginary life I dreamed up for myself.

"Kaitlyn?" I opened my eyes to… no Kaitlyn. She'd actually left me. What a great best friend.

Absent mindedly, I perched my legs on the flimsy seat of the swing, then let myself hang; arms flailing, hair flopping and everything. I could've fallen at that moment. I have no idea why I didn't. My oxygen tank rested steady on my side. All the blood in my body rushed to my head and I instantly felt heavy. But for some odd reason, I felt so much better. Like the weight of the world was suddenly thrown off of my shoulders. Literally and metaphorically. Who knew a swing set could do so much?

I closed my eyes ever so slowly and breathed in and out, maintaining a good rhythm. Then, out of nowhere, I began to hum a Hectic Glow song. The moment was the definition of pure peace. A slight breeze ruffled my hair and made me sway side to side. It was literally as if I was floating on air. It was the best feeling.

Still upside down, I awkwardly turned my head to look ahead. I was immediately greeted by the fresh green grass of the backyard, then I saw our house a bit further down. Upside down, the world was a completely different place. Upside down, there were no dying babies, no crazy boyfriends, no dead boyfriends, and certainly no cancer. It was all a different perspective. In this orientation, it was impossible to see the bad. It might've just been my hormones playing tricks on me, but I had this sudden impulse to not be all sulky all the time. I wanted to enjoy the little time I had left. I let my eyes fall open, and this time it wasn't the house I saw in the distance. It was Isaac.

The guy who broke my heart far too many times.

The guy who lied to me about being someone else.

The guy who… I'm still in head-over-heels in love with.

"Hazel…" he jogged forward until he was awkwardly sitting on the swing beside me. His hugs black glasses reflected the sunlight and somehow managed to light up is perfect face. The sunlight even touched his jet black hair, and made it shine beautifully like a thousand stars. I admired him as a whole, but tried not to let it show. I was still really mad at him.

The breeze made him sway in my direction; I got a weft of his minty madness and smiled inside.

"Hazel, you've been ignoring my calls, my texts and everything in-between. I had to come see you." he said in a voice so low that only people an arm's length away could hear. I knew this was hard for him to say, but I still refused to talk to him. I couldn't. Not that easily.

"Fine. You want poetic? I'll give you poetic. Just remember, I'm not giving up on you." he said in his overly comedic tone. I almost began to giggle. Isaac positioned himself on the swing beside me, the same way I was hanging. He took an extending breath and cautiously began speaking.

"Hazel, you are like magic to me. Saying that I'm in love with you doesn't even begin to sum up how I feel…" he sighed allowed. "Okay, you know I suck with words, but I'll get better, for you."  
And that's when I did it. I giggled. Oops. Still upside down, Isaac took my sweaty hand into his soft one.

"Listen, if I hadn't walked into your backyard that summer night, and if you hadn't let me in, I wouldn't be the guy I am today. I'd be like… half the guy I am today. You, Hazel, you complete me, if that makes sense."

"Yes, it makes sense." I said, giving up.

"You're the... The hamster to my Anna."

"Oh my gosh, you read the book!?"

"Audio book, yes." he said. We filled the silence will laughter.

"But listen; this mess of a world…" Isaac waved his arms everywhere around him in all directions to point at everything. "...will attack you with its hate and horror, but once you find love… once you find love, everything... Everything is... Alright."

Now this, this brought a smile to my face.

"Everything is alright!" I exclaimed, laughing at myself. I sat up in the seat and so did Isaac. "With you." I added as I looked at him.

**Yaaay! Happinesss! Sadly, this book will be ending soon:( But not ****_so_**** soon. More to come! Thanks for all the support. Please comment if you can, I would like to know what you readers think.**

**Thanks a bunch**

**~beacuz**


	21. The Fault in Our Fireworks

The fog was clear as well as the path to happiness. I could finally breathe again.

Well, almost breathe again.

That was it. I was completely done morning, being depressed and being angry. Well, at least I thought I was. I wanted to teach myself to love again. Even if that meant loving someone who has stabbed my heart with a knife. As much as it bled, I couldn't bring myself to hate Isaac and be depressed all over again. It was then, lying backwards on the pathetic rickety swing set of my backyard, that I realized that life with Isaac would probably always be like this; someone screws up, other person gets sad, get back together again. The next time, the other person would screw up. So many things in this hell of a world were inevitable; mistakes were one of them.

A couple weeks had passed since Isaac and I made up. Everything was mild again, we were in love again, I even forgot that I was sick and pregnant, and that he was blind. Love made me forget all of that. Isaac's beautiful face, heart-warming smile, contagious laugh, and charming personality made me forget all of that. And for those reasons, Isaac was my savior.

The warm summer night of the fourth of July, Isaac decided to wonder into my backyard again, and of course, I was waiting there for him. It was amazing how he could memorize paths like that. The warm breeze ruffled his dark hair as he sat down next to me, carrying something. Moonlight made him glow with radiance but he'd never know. From beside him, he pulled out a basket.

"Hey, Hazel." he whispered in a low tone.

"Hey, Isaac." I said in the same hushed tone he had used on me. I scooted closer to him whilst watching the stars above us sparkle in the deep night sky. I rested my head on his warm shoulder, then he leaned on me as well. Staring at the stars with him, I've never felt safer. He was my savior.

"Oh, um, what's in the basket?" I asked. I smile crept on his face and I giggled inside.

"Right. The basket. I almost forgot." He pulled away to grab the basket and place it between us. "Well you know, I've been thinking…" He placed both hands on top of the basket, prepared to open it. "Since we're together now…"

"Yeah, yeah," I said, speeding him up. He had a habit of rambling. Maybe I did too. There was a brief moment of silence, then Isaac started pulling items out of the basket and onto the soft grass beneath us. First, a folded red-checkered blanket, then champagne and glasses, next mini sandwiches…huh…

"So, now that I think of it… we've never actually had an official date yet…" In the silence of my backyard, I heard my heart beat in my chest. A date? For me? _Why would he do something like this for me?_ I thought. I was simply someone who needed nothing more than a little bit of love, tubes for breathing and a couple books. My savior was doing more than he needed to.

"Your attempt at romance is oh so cheesy," I started with a smirk, sighing as I spoke. "And I'm not even dressed for a date!" I looked down at my simple and plain outfit I'd put on earlier with no thought of Isaac coming over… and deciding to have a date with me. "But sure, proceed."

"Welcome to the best date of your life." Isaac said smugly as he pulled out the last item; a pack of red and blue fireworks.

My next word came out a sarcastic exclamation and a question at the same time.

"Fireworks?"

"Yes, fireworks." Isaac placed his palm on my hand, preparing to take it. It was as if he had set off the fireworks in my hand and they were traveling up my arm and into my heart.

"Hazel, do you trust me?"

I gave him an affirming head nod but quickly realized that he couldn't see it. "Of course."

He grabbed my hand and we both took off into the tree-filled depths of my backyard with Fourth of July fireworks. When we stopped, I took the fireworks from his hand and read the instructions.

"Are these even legal?" I asked, half serious, half laughing. Isaac scratched the back of his head.

"Umm I don't know. I can't read, remember?"

"Okay, wait… do you even have a lighter?" I asked, this time more serious.

"One step ahead of you." He pulled it out of his pocket and I took it from him cautiously. "So, how do we do this?"

I gave him a comedic once-over then skimmed through the instructions again.

"By the looks of it, we light this thing then run away, I think."

"Sweet." I stared at Isaac again, not able to tell if he seriously wanted me to light the firework.

"Are you going to light it or not?" he asked.

"Hold on, you're not even going to get to see them!" I remember. Isaac chuckles, revealing the cutest dimples do define the smile.

"Oh but I can. In ways I simply cannot explain."

The most awkward laugh escapes me, causing Isaac to laugh too. I bet he was just laughing at the laugh. I wanted to punch him for it, but his dimples and laughter were too adorable to make stop. Soon after the giggles died down, I bent over to set up the firework display.

"Oh, screw it. This right here is the craziest date ever." I said right before flicking on the lighter, putting it to the firework, and yanking Isaac away with me. Once we were a safe distance away I stopped him and turned him so he could "see" the fireworks.

"Is that good?" I asked, keeping my eye on the display soon to come.

"Perfect."

* * *

After seeing my first ever fireworks at my craziest date ever, Isaac and I sat to enjoy the champagne and sandwiches which were amazingly delicious. I had remembered the champagne I'd had with Augustus that night in Amsterdam and Isaac's had tasted just as good. Lying on the grass with Isaac, time seemed to completely fade away. I also couldn't help but remember that depressing night when I was in the same spot, all alone. That time when I couldn't stop crying. And now, in the same spot, I couldn't stop laughing. I didn't know what it was, but I kept getting the silliest feeling it was the twinkling stars up above, watching over me at the best and worst of times. I also couldn't help but ask Isaac about it.

"Isaac." I said, feeling slightly light headed from the champagne. "Ever think about the stars?"

"All the time. I can't see them, but I can still _see_ them. And they're beautiful. Like you." He must've drank a lot of champagne, but I still laughed at his cheesy attempt at romance. "I wish could… pick every single star out of the sky and give them to you."

I chuckled briefly. "My inner romantic would like that."

Suddenly, Isaac pulled my face to his and kissed me with care and passion. His lips tasted like champagne, as did mine. When it felt like we couldn't breathe anymore, we pulled away to lie back on the grass again. It was one of those many inevitable moments in life where the heart spoke for itself. In moments like those, talking isn't necessary. We've spoken all that needed to be said in the most passionate kiss we could give one another.

* * *

I opened my eyes to the beautiful sparkly blue-black of the night sky, filled with stars. It was as if the sky was swallowing me; it was all I could see. Was I floating in the sky? I blinked a few times, then yawned. Sitting up, I realized that I wasn't floating in the sky, and that I simply fell asleep in the backyard. My heart stopped beating abruptly when I realized that Isaac was not next to me.

"Isaac?" Confusion washed over me once more as my eyes searched the darkness of my backyard. He was nowhere to be found.


	22. The Fault in Our Nightmares

Hopeless. The search for him seemed hopeless.

I couldn't see anything, even with the flashlight of my phone. I called, I texted, nothing. I searched the depths of my backyard too many times to count and walked all around my house. I mean, how far could a drunken blind guy get in one night?

My mind inevitably started swarming with all the worst thoughts of what could've happened. I couldn't seem to keep my heart in my chest. How could Isaac do that to me?

_What if he fell and passed out? _I thought. I imagined him all alone in the darkness and shuddered. I should've been the responsible adult to put the drinks away when it was too much. But I couldn't remember anything but… fireworks. And love. The details were so fuzzy.

To add on, my brain was exploding with every step I took. It helped to jumble up my thoughts; scrambling them, then gluing them together in the wrong order.

_The fireworks were green. No, blue and red. Yesterday was July the fourth. _

I shook my head violently for remembering all the wrong things. The fireworks were irrelevant. I needed to find Isaac.

"Isaac?" I whispered into the night.

"Hazel? Hazel! What are you doing?"

I turned to the voice to find my mother pacing towards me, her eyebrows knitting together. The wild blonde hair she had was flying behind her as she came closer to me. I didn't know whether to rush to hug her or be scared of her.

Before I could decide, she hugged me first.

"What time is it?" I mumbled over her shoulder. She pulled away from the embrace, still grabbing my arms, to inspect me.

"Around 5am or something. Why are you out? You're so pale! Is your oxygen tank running low?" she asked question after question, not giving me time to form a proper response. "Hazel, answer me!"

"I-I…" I stuttered. All I could do was blink.

"We need to get you home, come on."

* * *

Sleep took over my whole body. As hard as I tried to open my eyes, they wouldn't budge. Sleep wanted me to sleep some more.

"I don't know, I just found her in the park this morning."

"Well is she okay?"

"Like I said, I don't know, I just-"

"Okay, okay."

There was silence. They were probably staring at me. Who were they?

"Well when she wakes up, do you want me to tell her?"

"I don't know if she's ready to handle that now."

More silence.

_Tell me! I'm listening!_

But of course, they couldn't hear my mind speak. I tried to grunt, make some sort of noise, but sleep said no.

Sleep won.

* * *

"I think she's waking up."

As my vision cleared, I could see the milky white shade of the hospital ceiling. I turned my head to see that I was attached to a machine by tubes. Mom was on one side of me. I turned to see Isaac's mom on my left. _Isaac..._

"What's going on?" I forced, weak for some reason.

"Y-you were de-oxygenated and I found you just in time." my mother said, extremely worried, as always. "But you're okay now."

I didn't care about that. There was only one thing I needed to know. I forced my de-oxygenated lungs to suck in some air before asking.

"Where's Isaac? Did you find him?"

"He…" Isaac's mom began from my left, with a very slight crease in her forehead. "I woke up early in the morning to go to work, then when I stopped by Isaac's room, h-he wasn't there."

She stopped abruptly to look down, then continued.

"I searched the house for him, he was nowhere to be found. So I decided to call him, and he picked up. But he couldn't remember who I was, where he was, who he was…"

Isaac's mom stopped again and her eyes filled with tears. She made me want to do the same.

"Apparently, he fell down somewhere and injured himself… as well as his brain. He… has amnesia now." Isaac's mom said solemnly. Her face went red, her eyes as well. I could see the hurt in her face. I felt the same. I didn't even want to begin to process any of it.

"He-he doesn't… remember who I am, who any of us are! It's… not fair." Isaac's mom said.

Would he not remember our "alrights"? Our love? Our passion? Our friendship at least? That last night under the stars? Nothing?

A hard and dry not formed in my throat then in my heart. It hurt like I'd been stabbed, then stabbed again. My body ached from the inside out and I didn't know how to get rid of the pain. It consumed me. I could barely breathe, even with all the tubes feeding me oxygen.

Would he not remember the first night we bonded under the stars? The concert? Support group? Our kisses? How much we fucking loved each other so badly?

I began to shake, then a sudden flow of tears escaped me. Why did it have to happen to me? I was innocent. I wanted nothing more than to enjoy my life. But I guess I didn't deserve that. I guess I deserved a dying baby, cancer, a dead boyfriend, and another with amn-

"What is this?" I cut my own thoughts off with my own yelling. "Can I see him?"

"No, Hazel, yo-"

"_No!" _I violently yanked myself away from the tubes attached to me and swung my legs over the bed.

_"__Hazel, stop. You're in shock."_ My mother's voice told me with firm hands on my chest.

I plopped back down on the stiff hospital bed breathing heavily. In a frenzy, I wiped away tears from my pain-contorted face. I shook my head.

"This isn't fair." I whispered to my lap.

"Life isn't fair, sweetie." Mom said.

"We spent months, _months, _getting to know each other, falling in love. Is that all a waste now? A waste of our time? A waste of my heart?" I took a moment to catch my breath. I didn't know what to do. I rolled my lips into my mouth, then spoke my thoughts again. "It's hopeless. Love, life. It's hopeless. Why love if your lover's going to end up with amnesia and forget you, or get cancer and die? Huh? Why live if we're all going to _die!_"

"Hazel! Stop. _Now._" Mother warned. "You need to rest. If I bring Isaac here, you promise you'll behave?"

Another pang of pain surged through my chest. I wanted so badly to cry out again, but I swallowed it and a tear rolled down my face. I wiped it away, though I knew I was probably going to cry again.

Was it all a nightmare? If it was a nightmare, I would've waken up when I pinched myself.

I didn't wake up. No amount of blinking and pinching could wake me up from this nightmare that is reality.

My life was turning against me once more… and she wanted me to behave? I stayed silent.

_No promises._

* * *

**Sad chapters make me sad. Don't they make you sad?**

**Anyway thank you so much for reading! Please comment an let me know what you're thinking.**

**Also, you can check out my hunger games/divergent/uglies crossover story in crossovers (hungergames/divergent)**

**It's pretty epic ;)**

**It's called Shift.**

**~beacuz**


	23. The Fault in Our Placebos

I lay awake in the hospital bed, looping my life in my mind like a never-ending movie. But not the good kind. The kind that made you sit there and question everything you've ever believed in. As if the promises you were given were just lies coated in shine. As if anything secure that made you feel safe was just a beanbag filled with sand, only to break and spill right through your fingers. Even knowing how much it killed you in the end, I was too stupid to resist. What would become of me if I let my self be entangled in the wind and drift away?

The blank walls of the room were oozing with that unsettling scent of soap, carpet and air freshener; fake cleanliness that sickened me, poked dangerously at my stomach. And the more I thought about life, the more it depressed me, the more I needed some escape, but couldn't get one. I kept stalling and distracting myself with items around me but I had no idea what I was doing. The sheets beneath me were thin like paper. I crunched a fist full in my hands.

It wasn't cancer, nor was it being pregnant. It was love. Love made me sick; the withdrawal. With every time I pushed my tongue into his mouth, with every electrifying moment we touched, it ripped a piece of my heart away. It dug through the depths of my heart and peeled away everything, until there was nothing left. It killed me, knowing that he would never want me in the same impulsive way ever again.

The gloominess of the subtle rain seeped through the blinds of the window, reminding me that there was still a world out there. But I was so much more comfortable without it. There was a thing sheet of dust covering the bed side table. I blew at it, then mushed some between my fingertips. I couldn't tell if I was crying or just very sweaty, but it hurt and I hated it. Everything pulsed and I hated it. My breath came out in spontaneous jagged huffs and I fucking hated it.

I didn't want Isaac back anymore. I didn't want anything anymore. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to live anymore.

I closed my eyes. Placebo effect. If I told myself that I was dead, then I would die, right?

Life is a placebo effect. If you tell yourself that it's a beautiful thing with rainbows and flowers, then it becomes a playground, a firework display, a Hectic Glow concert. But I was out of fairy dust to sprinkle over the world. In reality, it was a gray desert where everybody's obsessed with work and nobody gives a shit about your feelings.

Depression. I couldn't stop. It was hitting me hard. My eyes were still closed and it was so easy. Inhale, exhale, and stare into black abyss. That was it.

I heard the door open but I remained in fake sleep mode. If it was Isaac, I didn't want him anymore. He was as good as a random stranger off the street.

The person sat beside me. I remained still. I could tell they were watching me, but I wanted to be gone with the wind. I wanted a random nurse to find me there months later, assume I was dead, burn me, and set my ashes free so that I could be gone with the wind. Was it too much to ask?

_"__Hazel, are you dead?"_

Still in a severely depressed form, I remained still. Depression made me sleepy.

I felt fast fingers run up my stomach very lightly, as if someone was trying to play piano very softly. It itched. It tickled. I stirred.

"I knew you were ticklish!"

I opened my eyes and sat up to see Kaitlyn in a more casual outfit, tickling my stomach. I was in too bitter of a mood to laugh, so I held in any nerves and tried to awkwardly push her away.

"Kaitlyn, stop." I mumbled in my serious voice. She stopped immediately.

Kaitlyn sighed and looked me over with her big brown eyes. "Just making sure you were still alive."

I looked down at the off-white hospital floor. "I don't want to be here."

"In the hospital?"

"In the world." I was suddenly very interested in the hospital floor. It was a clean beige palette scratched in different places by shoe scuffs and another unknown markings. Sort of like my mind. Sort of like my life.

"But I need you." Kaitlyn said. I scoffed and shifted my weight to one elbow.

"What's there to live for now?" I pressed, even though there wasn't going to be an answer.

The door opened to reveal a light-skinned stranger with a retractable walking stick. He was about my height with disheveled inky black hair and opaque glasses to cover his eyes. Oh. Right. It was Isaac Green. A stranger who had no idea who I was.

Furious, I got out of the bed and stormed past him. I heard them calling for me but I didn't care anymore. I slid in and out of an empty elevator and pushed my way out of the hospital and into the downpour. The raindrops were falling heavy and quickly now, much like my tears. Heck, the raindrops were my tears. They pulsed on, tumbling and splashing on the pavement. With every step I took, I slapped my shoes to squash them. The rain caught in my eyelashes, then seeped into my eyes, mixing with my tears. My hair and clothes were glued to me. I didn't know where I was going. As I walked, I began to sob. I cried and cried because of everything. My tears were merely drops of blood from my heart, staining my face. There was no explanation anymore, it was just everything. And oh how it hurt so much.

I only felt the rain when my heart began to bleed.

**Thank you for reading! Please comment to let me know what you think. I'm curious :p**

**Also, you can check out my crossover called Shift which is a combination between Uglies, Hunger Games and Divergent.**

**~ beacuz**


	24. The Fault in Our Memories

At the end of one long and gray Indianapolis block of pavement, dented, cracked and filled with flat puddles of murky water, I stopped as the rain carried on without me. I averted gazes from anyone else on the street, so they wouldn't think I was psycho or something. I dabbed my eyes with the soaking wet sleeves of my sweater, and attempted to breathe. The penny-sized rain raged on around me, violently tapping me on the head and shoulders, plummeting to the ground. I almost found it comedic, how the weather reflected my emotions so well, maybe even better than I had felt them.

How come Isaac got to be the one to forget? If it had been me, I wouldn't have to remember the pain of my past. But I'd also be forgetting all the good things.

"Hazel-Grace Lancaster!"

I turned to find Isaac walking down the pavement towards me, with his walking stick of course. He didn't bother avoiding puddles, he just splashed right through them. It was so idiotic. Did he need me that badly? Did he believe in us starting over? I certainly did not. Once he reached me, he took a deep breath.

"What are you doing, Isaac? This is pointless." I sighed, then continued slowly. "You don't even know who I am anymore. And you're a completely different person now. Find someone to love you for who you are now."

It wasn't going to be some cheesy happy ending, which I knew. Life wasn't a wish-granting factory.

"The doctors. Your mother. They told me how strong our love was. We can rebuild it!"

Nonsense, I thought to myself. "You can't rebuild love!" I ran a hand through my short hair, drenched in rain. "It… it doesn't exist! I've tried it enough times to know that it never lasts."

"Then let's try again!" he scratched the back of his neck, glistening with rain, then continued. "I'll be honest, I don't… remember anything we did together. But I… I know you. You're familiar in my mind. If you give us a chance, it'll all come back to me, I know it."

I didn't believe it. I couldn't trust it.

"I have cancer. I'm pregnant. _You don't want me._"

"Do you think it was easy, waking up with no sight, and not knowing who you were? It pains me to not know anything anymore, it really does. But with time, it should come back. I just wish you'd help me make it all come back." he said passionately before putting out his hand toward me. He was holding back tears, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his expression, even with the glasses on. I guess I loved him too much to try to forget him.

I cleared my mind to make space for a new chapter in my life. If he was willing to take chances, so was I. If he was ready to take another stab at this crazy thing called life, I was too.

I inhaled; puffed up my crappy lungs and sucked in air from my oxygen tank.

Then I exhaled through my mouth, and shook my head.

"Hi, my name is Hazel-Grace Lancaster. Nice to meet you." I put my hand into his and shook it. An award-winning smile spread across his face. I smiled back.

"Hi, I'm Isaac Green. Nice to meet you too." It'd only been one night without him but it felt like an eternity. I missed him.

Without sparing I second, I wrapped my arms around him.


	25. The Fault in Our People

In his arms, familiarity washed over me like I was being showered in memories, and not just the heavy rain. It was a deep nostalgia that I couldn't ignore. It clouded all my thoughts until I had no choice but to remember every single thing we had together. I didn't know whether to be relieved or whether to be upset. All I knew was that Isaac wasn't planning on giving up on me any time soon.

Around us, it wasn't so busy. People weren't awkwardly stopping around us to observe two sick patients hugging. They just carried on with their lives as if nothing was wrong in mine. Part of me wanted to go up to them and scream at them to give a shit about what's going on in my life, but who cares? I didn't care about theirs. These clueless people frolicked on the puddle-filled pavement, into old-looking corner stores, and across the faded road, under the depressing skies, faking toothy smiles filled with cold and bitterness. Nobody cares about anybody. Except, I cared about Him.

Shielded in Isaac's cozy embrace, his scent cut through the annoying damp smell of the rain. His sweater was black and wooly; it wasn't soaking in rain (like mine was), it was drenched in his warm and minty aroma that gave me goosebumps. In that moment, I almost forgot it was even raining at all. I wished it could be like that all the time. I might've still been deoxygenated from leaving the hospital just like that. But in a way, I felt like I could breathe again; I wasn't constricted anymore from the sweaty white walls of the small room that tasted like soap. I liked it when my mind was able to breathe, even if my lungs couldn't.

And for some odd reason beyond my comprehension, something was still off. I hated it. It picked at my brain so aggressively that I felt light-headed. I was hugging Isaac; he was right there in my slender arms, but he felt like a stranger to me. It was as if I was hugging something hollow, for memories make the man. But how could I hug a man with no memories and call it love? How did we fall in love? It all happened so fast, I don't remember all the details, only how I felt. I remembered his laugh, is dimples, the way I felt his eyes on me, even though he was blind, the way he made me feel; as if I was beautiful and special, even though I was just another girl with cancer. Maybe it's not just life, maybe love is a placebo too. I guess it all depends on the people.

When Isaac leaned out of the hug, I totally forgot where we were. I was so consumed in my thoughts.

"Can I… kiss you?" it came out so fast, I didn't even know that it came out of my mouth. It sounded so much better in my head. Wasn't it the cliché kiss that would make all the memories come back? Maybe the exchange in energy would fire something up in his brain. Slowly, but purposefully, I leaned into him and pressed my lips to his. No awkward gazes from other people so far from our public display of affection. As motion picked up, I felt him respond to me by moving his lips against mine. The distance between us quickly closed as we continued. It was the slightest bit eccentric, but something was missing. I could sense his hollowness; that was something I couldn't easily fill with one random bullshit kiss. Once we both ran out of air, we pulled away simultaneously to gasp.

"Do you…uh…" I began, catching my breath, unsure of what I really wanted to ask him. "Do you remember anything?" Isaac inhaled slowly as if gathering his thoughts, then exhaled with the same purpose. Fairytales are lies. Kisses can't bring back months of memories, experiences, thoughts and feelings. He took his time to respond. My throat tightened and tears threatened to pour out of my eyes. I felt so cheated, loving someone who doesn't even remember who you were. It was so one-sided. I really wanted this to be the inevitable happy ending I needed. The inevitable happy ending I deserved. I wanted to be done with crying over life. It took too much out of me. All I wanted was love.

"Somewhat. I don't really know how to explain this. I really don't think anything changed in what I remember." Isaac's volume slowly faded throughout his speech, his lips a tiny bit swollen from kissing me. I could tell that he didn't want to have to be the one to tell me that one bullshit kiss wouldn't do anything. He fiddled with his walking stick awkwardly, and I fiddled with my oxygen tank to waste time. He fiddled with his glasses to readjust them and I fiddled with my tubes to do the same. Perfect strangers, I'd say.

I didn't want to give up on loving him. Especially with Anna on the way, and the possibility that I might not make it. I just wished, oh how I wished he loved me as much as I loved him.

**Hey! What do you think? To whoever is reading, sorry for the late update for this one, I needed to plan out the rest of it. Updates should be more frequent now. Thanks for the support! :) **

**-beacuz**


	26. The Fault in Our Faults

The Inside of my mouth was a desert, despite the rain falling around me. It was thinning out, much like my hopes for this relationship. No matter how many times I desperately tried to reignite something in him, there were no sparks.

"So if nothing changed in what you remember…" I begin, my speech staggered and dry. I had no idea where I was going with anything. All I knew was that I wanted him in my arms again. I decided to take a different approach.

"Do you remember the way… the way I made you feel?" I inspect his expression for any changes, for any response. Back when he remembered, I knew he responded so well to me; I knew how I made him feel. I knew that nobody else could make him feel that way.

What were memories anyway and how come he lost them? Were memories just words I'd said to him? Everyone could forget words from time to time. Were memories solely facts about me? My birthday? My favourite colour? People could forget those too.

But he could never forget…

"The way I make you feel…" I whispered to his face, before sliding my hand around his neck. "You can never forget the way someone makes you feel, Isaac."

I wanted so desperately for him to know that I loved him; for him to know that he loved me. But I was nobody to him.

"Can we give it some time?" said Isaac, lightly placing his hands on my shoulders. I removed my hand from him, confused. "Please, I need to get my thoughts in order."

I shut my eyes and let out a deep, exasperated breath.

"Okay, right, you need to rest and stuff. Just… just go." I said, irritated. A brief silence filed the air and the rain's rhythm filled it up instead, mixed with the tapping of shoes against the pavement.

_"… __Hazel, I can't- "_

"Right, right." And for that brief moment I forgot he was blind, just lost his memory and wouldn't even know where to go. He was obviously irritated too. Maybe he didn't want to be the odd one out; the one who knows nothing while everyone else remembers things and knows what to do with their lives. And that was something I somewhat understood myself.

"Let's go." I took his hand, and led him back into the hospital to find Mom.

After getting Mom to stop asking if I was okay with my oxygen and everything, she finally let Isaac and I leave. What followed was an awkward car ride with me driving, and Isaac in the passenger seat. I rolled all the windows up, causing the tension to build up inside. I wanted to say everything to him, and he wanted to say nothing to me. Sadly, no amount of fiddling with things could clear up the awkwardness that filled the car. I couldn't help but think that what happened to Isaac was all my fault. I was the one that lost sight of him. Why was it always me that went and screwed everything up? And with the baby on the way, how would we have a stranger in our family?

"I'm sorry." said the stranger's voice from beside me.

"Huh?"

"I said… sorry. For not remembering stuff." He waved his hands in the air dramatically, as Kaitlyn usually did.

"I should be the one saying sorry. This whole thing was all my fault." I said quietly. I turn a sharp turn, causing Isaac and I to jerk to the right. "I almost killed you, just now! See?"

That earned a minute laugh from him. I've been yearning for his hearty laugh for an eternity; it was so small but it filled my soul, as well as the car.

"I am… the biggest fault in your life. Maybe you should just forget about me and go on to d- "

_"__Stop."_

I stopped in mid-sentence and huffed, annoyed, staring straight ahead at the road.

Another car zoomed in front of mine as I rushed to slam the breaks. Just as I did, Isaac let out his hearty laugh again, causing me to join in. We almost died, and I was laughing. Isaac really did influence my behaviour.

"You are not a fault." He said, catching his breath. "You are anything but."

At the green light, I drove again, taking peaks at Isaac. All he was doing was staring right back at me and with a smile playing at the corners of his lips. His hair was glimmering midnight like raven fur. I still couldn't get over it. So I studied the road as I drove, navigating the car to Isaac's house. When I snuck one last glance and Isaac, he was still staring at me with that smirk.

"Okay, what? Why are you staring at me?" I asked him jokingly, sneaking more glances while driving.

"Because you're beyond beautiful." I contorted my face into a frown, then laughed.

"You can't… I'm not… no. Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

I raise my eyebrows then explain. "Don't make me fall in love with you, then forget me, only to compliment me. And… you can't even see me!"

"But, I can feel these things… I can feel your beauty. I-I… remember how it makes me feel."

He stammers gathering his thoughts, with his mouth slightly open. I felt a wave of warmth rise in my cheeks at the compliment. He had to remember then. He had to remember how I made him feel.

"You make me feel… alive." He said softly, as if to himself. A warm grin made its way to my face that I couldn't hold back.

"So do you." I reply honestly, then let out an uncontrollable chuckle as a thin tear slips down my cheek.

"Don't do that!" Isaac exclaims.

"What?" I asked frightened. Isaac was full of surprises and I never knew what to do or how to act, but I tried to focus on the road.

"Don't laugh like that. It's adorable. Stop it." That made the both of us giggle like two-year olds.


	27. The Fault in Our Therapy

Both sprawled on the grass of my backyard in the late evening, we regarded the stars. The tops of our heads touched; Isaac and I would never lose eachother again. In that moment, I was amazed. It was what I liked to call wordless beauty.

I believed that in everyone's life, there'd come a moment. One inevitable moment filled with so much inexplicable magic beyond description. Who said that therapy had to come in the form of stumpy middle-aged adults asking questions you didn't want to answer? In my moment, the night sky was my therapy. I could forget about everything and just live. In the end, that's what we were there to do. In that beautiful moment, when I let my eyes soak in the stars and laced my toes in the damp grass, I felt infinite again.

Feeling infinite was my kind of therapy.

* * *

**Sorry if this just came out in a sprawl of numbers... this thing is glitching out on me.**

**But yay for mini chapters. Fear not my fellow readers for this is not the end of the story. Or is it?**


	28. The Fault in Our Oblivion

I didn't fear oblivion. Going to sleep every night and realizing I might not have woken up wasn't particularly scary. Closing my eyes now and then didn't make me shiver, nor did being in complete darkness. I certainly did not fear its solitude. Sometimes I even wished for it, just to make everything so much easier. I think what made me afraid of oblivion was the fact that in its true form, it lasted for forever. I couldn't step in and step out. Once I was in, that was it. Oblivion was a trap. Death was a trap that I was being forced into. As much as it hurt to face, I, Hazel-Grace Lancaster, was dying.

Anna was unbelievably enormous now. I couldn't lay on my stomach anymore, and the cravings were so strange. Laying on my dark blue-sheeted bed and fiddling with the blankets, I debated how to tell Isaac and Kaitlyn. I'd only found out last night, after I thought that everything was going to be okay. Dr. Maria has called to alert me and to 'invite' me to the hospital as soon as possible. I had told her that I needed time, even though there obviously was no time. Time was simply empty procrastination space between now and later. Running slender fingers through my short dark hair was all I could think to do. After slowing my breathing a little, I decided to call Kaitlyn first.

"Hello?"

I heaved a shallow breath. "Kait, hey." I paused to rack my brain for words. "I-"

"Ha! This is a voice message!" _Thanks, Kaitlyn. _"Love you! Leave a message at the tone."

I was beyond infuriated. My own best friend wouldn't pick up her cell and this was probably the most important thing I've ever called her for. At the beep, it took all my power not to explode.

"Shit, Kaitlyn. This is really important. I… I need you to meet me at my hospital as soon as possible." And then I hung up to call Isaac as a tear escaped from my eye. I didn't even know I was crying. It just became very hard to speak with the lump in my throat, swallowing up my voice.

"Hazel?"

My head snapped up to the door to see Mom leaning in the doorway. She walked cautiously to sit on the bed with me.

"You okay?" she asked. When I remained silent, she spoke again.

"I don't know what to tell you. You know it's not a guaranteed death, right? _You still have a chance. _Stop acting like it's all over."

"Mom, stop acting like everything has a happy ending." I huffed and glanced out the window. After a moment, she wrapped her arms around me and began stroking my hair.

"I'm sorry… I…" For some reason, she was more emotional than I was. "I just want to make it better for you. Be strong for me."

I eyed a spot on my bed mindlessly. "Thanks. I will."

As soon as I was back in the white abyss with the smell of disinfecting chemicals stinging my eyes, I was flooded with bad memories. This is where everything bad happened. Mom was sitting next to me, trying not to cry and failing miserably. I lay still in the bed, hoping for an easy conversation as I dialed Isaac's number. Thankfully, he picked up in good time.

"Hello?"

"Isaac, it's Hazel. You… you still remember me, right?" I scoffed. Of course he did. Over the course of the past couple weeks, it all seemed to come back to him and I slowly started to feel more comfortable with him. He was still him, after all. The same him I fell madly in love with.

"Of course, Hazel. You're my everything. Don't ever ask me that again. It makes me feel so guilty." His phone voice always made me laugh, but not that day.

"I…" Fear swallowed me as more tears filled my eyes. It took everything in my power to not give up and convulse in tears. "I need to talk to you about Anna."

He paused briefly, as if to change the tone of the conversation. "Why… what's wrong?" I couldn't speak. His tone was too serious to respond to. And I couldn't hang up. I couldn't stop myself from sniffling repeatedly. God, I was a mess. Dr. Maria gave me a choice. A mind-numbingly easy yet impossible choice.

"Hazel, talk to me… you can talk to me." No, I couldn't. My oxygen was fine but I couldn't breathe. _"Hazel, please."_

"Dr. Maria…" it came out as barely a whisper. I was so out of voice. I couldn't talk. Fear was stabbing me in the throat. "she… gave me… a choice." _Breathe, Hazel. _"If I birth Anna, I don't survive. I only live if I abort her. Do you understand?"

"Oh my god, Hazel. Oh my god. I… I…"

"And Anna is going to be born… very soon."

"Holy shit, I… oh god. I don't… okay. Okay, I'm coming right now. I love you so much." And then he hung up as I sniffed and wiped my face for the billionth time. I was so glad to have Isaac on his way, to support me. It was then that I knew exactly how much he loved me.


	29. The Fault in Our Anchors

**Author's note: Hello internet people! You can... umm.. skip this if you want. Firstly, I just really wanted to say thank you to every single one of you who read my story! I am more greatful than you will ever know. Thanks so much for all those reviews (I read every single one), they honestly just make my entire day. So without further ado... **

It was all up to her. I was living in the hospital until Anna decided she was ready. Sooner or later, she wanted to get the hell out of me. She would decide.

The hospital noises alone could've driven me crazy to the point of death. But that's the thing; there were barely any noises, just low beeps and shuffling so dangerously close to a deafening silence. Wordless thoughts, lost in space.

Generic soap and perfumed puke. The air so sour on my lips. All so desperate only to lose hope. I knew this hospital too well. I suddenly realized just how sudden death really was, even though I could taste it. Just like Anna could in An Imperial Affliction, and just like she could right now. It was teetering on the tip of my tongue, just… waiting; plotting. Sudden death even though I knew it was coming.

I couldn't recall anything and I was hazy on what was actually going on. Doctors formed a fuzzy pack around me, prepared for Anna. I was just in this perpetual state of dizziness where I was constantly drifting in and out of consciousness and my only anchor was the calm flow of hospital noises.

_Beep… beep… beep…_

And it ached to stop thinking of him – a blurry image of internal warmth. He was coming for me, but would that change anything? Whether he was here or not?

They told me to push and I couldn't. Meds were on the way when all I needed was human support on the way. Of course, the docs wouldn't have bottles of friends stored in their cabinets. If they did, I'd chug the whole thing down in a heartbeat.

_Beep…beep…_

Mom, Dad and Kaitlyn were leaning on the walls in the doorway (mumbling quietly amongst each other) and I realized I was wrong; I couldn't believe all the support I was getting. I guess it was a lot for me. Maybe they weren't allowed to come inside. But Isaac still wasn't there, which stung. I wasn't expecting Kaitlyn to even check her voice messages.

Contractions. Heavy breathing. Yelling. Screaming for it all to end. But still, Anna clung to my cancerous insides. And still, Isaac wasn't there. Maybe he was stuck in traffic. Maybe he tried to find his way to this hospital and fell down. Maybe he couldn't find the room.

The doctors told me to concentrate, but I was losing too much blood and my organs were crushing. My throat felt like it was being stabbed by a million needles because my lungs weren't sucking air fast enough. There wasn't enough oxygen in the world for me to do this. Blood, sweat and tears surrounding me because I just couldn't do it. I couldn't deliver the baby, I couldn't maintain a good relationship with Isaac nor Gus, I couldn't breathe, and I just couldn't live life. It was all my fault.

_Beep…_

And when I least expected it to, oblivion came to haunt me as my vision faded to black.


	30. The Fault in Our Happiness

Woken in a daze, all I could see was white. A white hospital ceiling… or the white walls of heaven? Blinking was no good. In one frantic motion, I sat up and glanced around me only to find that I was in a different hospital room with soreness between my thighs. I'd given birth?

My wandering eyes landed on Isaac, sitting near the wall, a bouquet of wilting roses at his feet, head in his hands, wild hair spiking out and refusing to surrender.

"Isaac…" I whispered cautiously, as if a voice any louder would crush what feeling was so tender in the air. He broke out of his daze to find his way to me and wrap his long, warm arms around me, curing my chill.

"Oh my fuck Hazel. You fucking scared the shit out of me." He did a nervous laugh and let go of me. What had I done?

I took a deep breath to remember everything I could. Judging on my deflated stomach, Anna must've been born. Everything should've been okay then. My heart began to pace; not knowing anything just frightened me. "Well what… what happened?"

Standing beside my bed, Isaac began, though visibly he was just exhausted and worn out. His black shirt and jacket appear wrinkled and a tad stingy, not to mention his hair.

"Mmm… you had to get a C-section because you passed out when it came time to push." He gave me a brief moment to digest what he just said, then continued abruptly. "And, um… Anna made it. It's… it's actually a boy." The most heartwarming grin spread across his face, lighting up his cheeks as well as mine. Brief tears of joy escaped us at the same time. It was an unbelievable dream come true. He came back down to hug me again and I wrapped my arms around him tighter and held on for dear life, burying my face in his shoulder. I was overwhelmed with pure joy to finally have my baby come true and not just be a fantasy or a worry of mine. He was real now. I could hold him. I could raise him. I could love him.

"Can I see him? I'll think of a name later… I can't even think right now."

"He's in the other room getting cleaned off."

"Oh." I still needed clarity on everything else. "Why do you look so tired? Are you okay?"

"I've been here since yesterday and I haven't slept. I would say that I've been looking after you, but _ha _I'm blind."

"Am I still 'dangerously on the verge of death'?" I asked.

"The doctors don't know yet."

And then I remembered what had been drifting from my memories. Isaac wasn't there when I was giving birth. It didn't seem like a big deal at all, but it meant so much more to me. I could've kept calm and ignored it. Maybe it was the hormones but I needed to know, even if it meant ruining the moment.

"Wh… why did it take you so damn long to get here? You know how important this is. When they were… telling me to push, you… you weren't even there! I was all alone. I only wanted you in there holding my hand." He shoved his hair back and kneeled down by my hospital bed, now eye level. I'd hurt him, somewhere deep inside. I'd just showered him in eternal guilt. I wasn't even the angry inside.

"No, I was here, Hazel. During the C-section. I'm here because I _care _about you… I…" A crack in his voice was all it took to crack my heart.

"Don't say that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to support you. But I was late for a really good reason, I swear."

"Sorry I snapped at you. I'm listening." He inhaled through his nose and continued.

"Last night when you called me, you fucking set me into panic mode. I was jamming to Glow and listening to the radio when you called. Anyway, I've never experienced this before so I honestly didn't know what to do. So I called for my mom – she works from home because of me – and told her about the situation. I grabbed some roses from the living room to give to you… because I'm a cheapskate." He said matter-of-factly, earning a giggle from me.

"When my mom and I were in the car, the radio spoke to me. It was that stupid station my mom cranks up where it's like free therapy? Anyway, for the first time in my life, that stupid voice said something I actually cared to understand!" I grinned and then laughed at Isaac's weird yet casual humour.

"The words were just… so brutally honest that I had to share them with you. And at that moment, I also hated myself because… I had no vision; I couldn't write it down to remember what the guy said."

I chimed in. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. The story isn't over yet. See, we had to pull over so I could get my mom to write down what the guy was saying which took some time. By the time I got here, it was too late to hold your hand and I'm so sorry I-"

"Isaac, it's okay! I believe you."

"Um," he pulled out a scrunched up paper from his back pocket and handed it to me. It was the 'brutally honest' therapy. The 'brutally honest' therapy I probably needed at that moment. I proceeded to read it out loud with hidden passion I never even knew I had.

_"__We get so worried about being happy, that we end up missing out on happiness altogether. Stop waiting for that magical moment of pure bliss and start enjoying whatever little fragments of happiness you can find… It's the rainy nights spent curled under the blankets with a good book..." _I smiled at the part that mentioned reading. _"… It's the feeling you get in your stomach when you've laughed so hard…" _I knew that feeling. The feeling I had with Isaac. One unforgettable feeling. _"It's licking cookie dough off your fingers. It's the solo dance parties in your room at 3am. It's the little moments. That's what life is all about. Love, Isaac. And radio therapy guy. Don't you ever forget this, alright?"_

I burst out into laughter and finally looked up at Isaac who was holding the wilted roses.

"Alright. Isaac this is the most beautiful and relatable thing I've ever read." I told him.

"Better than An Imperial Affliction?"

"Yes, better than An Imperial Affliction." I admitted.

"Well then, my job here is done. But like, therapy guy has an amazing point; we're constantly waiting for 'the big break', for the jackpot of our lives. You don't want to live your life ignoring the small things in hope for the big one, because what if it never even comes? And that's the problem, it doesn't happen that often. We need to make the most of life by indulging in the little things. Like love."

Isaac handed me the wilted flowers and I gladly took them. After placing my arms around his neck, he closed the distance between us and pressed his lips into mine. Still kissing passionately, he brought himself onto the bed beside me. When he grabbed me, I gripped him even tighter. We were lost in magic. Even if I was going to die in the next ten minutes or in the next ten years, we were all meant to enjoy the little things.

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**Hello internet! Thanks so much for reading :) This is not the last chapter though, just thought I should let you know. Please review! I love to know what you guys think. Positive or negative just hit me.**

**~bea_cuz**


	31. The Fault in Our Endings

Life threw me a bone, and so I caught it; I truly lived. Days into weeks. Weeks into months. Months into years. Time was so kind to me. Yet everything was not as it seemed.

I had Isaac. I had my baby. I had everything within my grasp. But I let it all slip away. No, cancer pushed it all out of my hands and told me it was time to let it all go. My worst enemy had developed into a black goo to fill my body. It was too sudden. It was too unreal.

And that was okay.

I didn't tell him. He wouldn't have been able to handle it. Heck, I couldn't even handle it, myself. I didn't tell Kaitlyn. But there was no time for tears; no space for melancholy. Only a brutal emptiness where my heart once was.

I needed to end it where it all began.

I closed my eyes, and hoped to use the fallen stars on my tongue as sleeping pills. And so, I would sleep forever.

Placebo effect. It's all in the mind. If I told myself that I wasn't dying inside - only on the outside - then it wouldn't happen.

But that's the thing. It's not immediate.

It drags on.

Just like the horrible and unforgivable story of my life, filled with its faults. Just like the wretched heart of whoever created this cruel world for me. And they're laughing inside, or pitying me. They're why it had to end like this. Either way, it's happening for a reason.

It drags on.

Like Isaac's love for me. Like An Imperial Affliction. Like my life. But all things rational have to end somewhere.

_"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is gried - but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love"_

_\- Hilary Stanton Zunin_

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**The End**

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**Author's Note: **

**To all you readers out there, thank you for coming along on this crazy ride. Thanks for your reads, your comments, and everything inbetween :) You endured my annoying cliff hangers, typos and overuse of semi-colons; I commend you for that. You are amazing people! **

**Interpret the story as you wish, for it is a work of art; the meaning is up to you. Hazel fell victim to the harsh realities of life because, well, it is what it is. Hope the ending didn't scar you for life :/ **

**You can check me out on Wattpad... I should be working on some new stuff soon...**

**Love,**

**beacuz**


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